Life, Larry and the Pursuit of Unhappiness: An Almost History of America

To honor this moment, we want to take a look back

at some of the events, people, and ideas

that helped shape and preserve

our grand experiment in self-government.

Our Founding Fathers drafted a charter

to guarantee the rule of law and the rights of man.

Together, they established a new nation,

one where power resided not with a monarch,

but with ordinary citizens.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident," they wrote.

"That all men are created equal."

It was a radical idea, revolutionary even.

But what truly makes America unique

is the fact that we've always been a work in progress.

We can be irascible, petty, selfish, cheap.

And let's face it, some of us

will always find something to complain about.

But as Americans, we have always found a way

...these deeply unpleasant people

who stood in the way of progress.

These miserable, intolerable...

Did I mention petty?

Wretched--

Hey, none of that's in the script!

By the winter of 1775,

the Continental Congress realized

that independence from Britain was the only course of action.

A committee of five

was charged with drafting an announcement explaining

the reasons for the rejection of the monarchy,

a declaration of independence.

They were John Adams, Thomas Jefferson,

Benjamin Franklin,

Roger Sherman, and Robert Livingston.

It's common knowledge

-that Thomas Jefferson wrote the first draft. -(QUILL SCRAWLING)

But actually, it was Robert Livingston

who took the first crack at it.

And some say that's exactly what he was on

-when he wrote it. -(GAVEL POUNDING)

Gentlemen of the Continental Congress,

we finally have a first draft

of the Declaration of Independence,

written by our esteemed colleague,

Robert Livingston.

Here, here! -(THUMPING, APPLAUDING)

Well done.

Well done.

Really didn't take me that long. Only used two quills.

Two quills.

We are in gratitude.

Stop it.

But we agreed that we would only have

-27 grievances. -(ATTENDEES GRUMBLING)

Then all of a sudden you added all of these other grievances.

Agreed. There are several, and they are beyond perplexing.

Mr. Jefferson, I don't think that we want to limit Rembrandt

on how many colors he can use when he paints, do we?

But we just have a few questions

about some of the things that you wrote.

Like, "If someone invites you to a dinner party,

you are legally within your rights

as an American citizen

to ask who is coming to that dinner party

before you accept."

Don't you want to know

who you're going to be spending your evening sitting next to?

I got invited to a dinner at Madison's a few weeks ago.

Alexander Hamilton was at the same table.

Did I get a chance to talk to Hamilton?

No, because I was seated next to Madison's uncle,

-a tobacco farmer from Virginia. -(ATTENDEES GROANING)

What a waste of time that was,

plus the two hours getting there in the coach.

Why leave the house?

Takes two hours to get everywhere.

I wish I could put that in the document.

Robert, you want to put

into this Declaration of Independence,

"It is illegal

-to share an umbrella." -(ATTENDEES GROANING, MURMURING)

If it's raining, bring your own umbrella.

Don't infringe on someone else's.

What if the umbrella holder offers to share the umbrella?

Well, if he does, he's only doing it to be nice.

He doesn't want to share it. It's not right.

You forgot your umbrella? Too bad. Too bad.

Get wet. Live with it. Don't get somebody else wet

'cause you're too stupid to bring your own.

-(ATTENDEES GROANING, MURMURING) -Sir, "After January 7th,

it is illegal to wish anyone a Happy New Year"?

-(ATTENDEES GROANING) -Precisely, Adams.

Even if it is the first time

you're encountering the person in the New Year?

That's right, Franklin. Even if it's the first time.

These "Happy New Years,"

they go on endlessly and endlessly.

January 20th, "Happy New Year." January 25th, "Happy New Year."

January 31st, "Ha--" When... When does it end?

Why is this in here?

"It is illegal to take deep breaths outside."

-(ATTENDEES GROANING) -Well, it should be.

You want to see people walking around going...

"Ah! Oh! Mm. Uh, what a beautiful day."

"Mm. Uh! Oh!"

Here's another gem. "No sharing desserts.

If you want a dessert, order it. None of this, 'Pass it around.'"

We're not animals, Mr. Franklin, all eating out of a trough.

We could all have our own forks.

Then we'll all take bites, put the forks in our mouths,

put it back in the pie after it's been in our mouths.

Mr. Franklin, it's unsanitary.

Sometimes I don't want a whole slice of pie.

I just want a taste of pie.

Get your own damn piece of pie, Franklin!

-(ATTENDEES MURMURING) -"If you pick a line...

you have to stay in it"?

Of course you have to stay in it.

Otherwise, it's just... It's chaos.

"Oh, that line's moving faster. I'll go over here.

Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh. I don't want to go here."

And now, all of a sudden, you're bumping into people,

and fights break out,

all because people want to get on the line

that's moving faster?

No. You pick your line, you stay in your line.

-That's how it works. -(ATTENDEES MURMURING)

I disagree with that,

and I don't think it should be in this document.

Oh, yeah, you don't like that, Hancock?

I guess because you don't have to wait in line.

You have your servants doing that for you.

I have servants. Do I treat them fairly?

I like to think so.

Do I spare the lash? Not always.

It's fun. It's fun, the lashing.

You smack 'em, you smack 'em, you smack 'em,

you hear a little whimper, and then you stop.

"Men shall refrain from fanning themselves in public"?

Does anybody really want to see this?

This is something you want to see men do?

This? This motion? Mr. Adams, I submit to you,

-do you want your son fanning? -Eh.

As I thought.

He doesn't want his son fanning. I don't want my son fanning.

I don't think any of you people want your sons fanning.

Who's with me? Yea or nay?

Nay!

Here's another that should not go in.

"It's illegal to tell someone about your dream.

No matter how interesting it may seem to the dreamer,

the others have no interest in hearing about it."

-(ATTENDEES MURMURING) -Gentlemen, we have a lifespan

of 38 years on this earth!

And we're going to waste it

listening to other people's dreams?

I don't think so.

I am 70 years on this earth, you fop.

Seventy? Apparently engaging in cunnilingus

with French women keeps one young.

You, sir, have discovered

-the fountain of youth. -(ATTENDEES LAUGHING)

My congratulations to you.

"There should be a national ban on toasting"?

"No gratuities"?

"If you begin a new health routine,

keep it to yourself"?

"If you visit England,

don't suddenly return with an English accent."

"It is illegal to stroke one's beard"?

That should be in the document.

Here's a truth I hold to be self-evident.

-You, sir, are an imbecile. -(ATTENDEES LAUGHING)

Gentlemen, gentlemen, what are we doing?

These are barely grievances. They are petty complaints,

and they have nothing to do

with a declaration of independence

from England and tyranny.

Here, here! -(THUMPING, APPLAUDING)

This is not just a declaration of independence.

This is a declaration of common sense.

In 250 years, our descendants will thank us

for the great work that we've done here,

making their lives immeasurably better.

Gentlemen, are you with me?

-Yea or nay? Nay!

-A thousand times nay. -Hmm.

Mr. Livingston, thank you so much

for all of your hard work,

but I don't think that any of this

is going into our declaration.

-Jefferson, want to take a shot? -Yeah, I'll do it.

I won't be using any of this,

especially, "No clapping along to the music

and expecting others to join in."

-Marshals, escort him out. -That won't be necessary.

Because I don't want to live in a country

where people share umbrellas...

change lines willy-nilly,

fan themselves, stroke their beards,