Ralph Barbosa: Cowabunga

Hello, hello.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

What's up?

Hell yeah. It's cool to be here. I appreciate, like, that introduction,

but I'm not high-energy like that, though.

I'm very low-energy.

I'm trying to get lower, even.

I've been trying to chill lately.

I've been drinking less, yeah.

But... like if I'm with a group of people that take me to a bar,

then I'll drink, you know. You have to.

You can't be that one person at the bar without a drink in their hand.

That's weird.

That's like being the one dude at a kids' soccer game,

and you don't even have a kid.

People will stare at you.

They're like, "What do you mean you just like to be here?"

One of my buddies, he quit drinking.

He says his therapist cured him.

He's like, "No, man. She opened my eyes up to something."

He's like, "If you think about it, we probably don't even like alcohol."

I was like, "Nah, I like it."

He's like, "Nah, man, my therapist put it like this."

Like, "We probably just drink because of the patterns our fathers set for us,

like how we saw them drinking growing up."

I said, "Bro, I saw that man, like, twice growing up."

"He was sober both times."

But I, like, halfway agree with that little school of thought.

Like, I don't think childhood trauma makes you turn to alcohol,

but I do think childhood trauma can make alcohol taste better.

Like as a kid,

any time you scored a touchdown at one of your Little League games

and your dad wasn't there to see it,

your taste buds probably shifted just a little bit.

And with every first down, they just kept shifting and shifting.

That's why whenever I see somebody take a shot of whiskey

without making a face, I'm like, "Damn. He didn't even have no dad."

I'm trying to drink less. Trying to take better care of my health, you know?

I was even smoking cigarettes for a little bit. I stopped that.

I know it's unhealthy,

but I started 'cause I saw somebody smoking and talking,

and they look so cool, you know?

You ever see somebody smoke and talk?

Whatever they're saying, you just go with it.

They don't even have to say real words. They just gotta, like...

I'm like, "Bro, he's so right."

Yeah, I know... I know it's unhealthy, but all those health risks,

and the warnings they give you,

that's what pushed me over the edge to try them in the first place.

I was reading that little box of cigarettes.

It was like, "Warning...

tobacco may increase the risk of infertility, low birth weight,"

and so on and so on.

But the beginning is what got me. I was like, "Infertility..."

In my mind, I'm like, "Damn, so I look cool as hell

and I don't have to use condoms anymore?"

I'll be about to hook up with a girl, and she's like, "Do you have protection?"

I'm like...

"Just hit this, baby."

First time I tried it, I only...

I only tried it 'cause I wanted to do, like, the flicky thing.

That's the coolest part about it.

I was outside the bar, and I feel... I feel like I nailed it.

I put that cigarette in my mouth, I lit it, I took that first hit,

I was like...

- -

Even people that were driving by were like, "Oh shit!"

But anybody who was like a real smoker saw me throw it away

was like, "Yo, dumbass, that's a full cigarette. What the..."

But nah, man, I'm trying to be a little healthier.

I had a water today.

Yeah. It's a lifestyle.

Nah, I never... I never drink water.

I drink a lot of soda.

I don't like when healthy people find out that they drink more water than I do.

'Cause you can see it in their face. They immediately start feeling superior.

Whenever somebody finds out they drink more water than you,

they start talking to you like if they get laid more than you.

They say cocky shit.

Say shit like, "You haven't had any water today?"

I'm like, "No." They're like... "Fuckin' up."

Yeah, it's just cooler to be healthy, man.

It's, like, in style to drink water, and I don't like it.

- - This is out of hand, man.

It's gotten to the point that people will judge you, even,

just based off of the brand of water you drink.

I had a FIJI Water at the barbershop the other day.

Everybody was like, "You like that one?"

I was like, "Nah."

I didn't even know what I did wrong. I was like, "Nah, I don't like it."

"I was just holding onto it for this girl I have sex with sometimes."

I don't know which one the "cool" water is to drink.

I know which one the lame one is. It's the one that I like.

I like drinking Dasani.

- - Yeah. Didn't I tell you they judge?

Dasani takes me back to my childhood.

Dasani's the only water that tastes like outside water hose.

Tastes like manguera.

Yeah.

I don't even care if I'm inside, man.

I'll buy me a bottle, I open it up, and I drink it like this.

Trying to take care of my vision. I got glasses.

I don't... I don't need 'em too much. I need 'em to, like, drive at night.

For some reason, once it gets dark outside,

I just can't see little things on the road,

like innocent pedestrians and...

But I don't like to wear 'em, man. Some people can rock glasses.

I tried, like, all the different glasses, and...

I don't know. They all look lame on me. I feel real dorky.

My biggest fear is that I will wear them while I drive,

and then I'll crash, and...

...paramedics will find my body and be like,

"Aw, man. We have one dead nerd over here."

"Let's get this lame ass on a stretcher."

If I ever crash and die, I hope they don't even find my car.

It's dirty. It's embarrassing.

I got, like, half-empty bottles of soda,

a basketball,

one brand-new, never-opened box of condoms...

They find my body in my car, they'll be like,

"Man, this dude was one dehydrated virgin."

I could clean it, but I'm too lazy.

Instead, what I did is I got that box of condoms,

there was like three in there, I threw two of them away.

Now if they find my body in there, they're gonna be like, "This guy...

he was all right."

Yeah, man.

I've been, uh, I've been seeing somebody. It's going really good.

I haven't been in a relationship for a while,

and I'm realizing how jealous of a dude I am.

I was asking my girl, I was like, "Have you ever gone skydiving before?"

She was like, "Yeah, I went skydiving...

with my ex-boyfriend."

I didn't need that extra information...

...like, at all.

And in my mind, all I heard was, like, "Yeah, I went skydiving before."

"Also, just as a reminder, I used to fuck somebody else."

But it...

It's 'cause she never gets jealous. She doesn't understand jealousy, man.

She got a... She's got a healthy mindset.

Her parents...

Her parents have a real healthy relationship.

She said growing up,

her parents never once argued in front of her and her siblings.

They'd go to another room if they had to, but never in front of the kids.

I... I was raised by my grandparents,

and I'm convinced that they would wait till got home from school...

They were like, "He needs to hear this, goddammit."

Nah, I'm...

I'm kidding. My grandparents never... spoke English.

Man, she's cool, man, she's cool. Her family's real religious.

My girlfriend always wants us to pray before we eat

so that we could show that we're thankful for things, you know?

Which, I agree. I'll pray for things I'm thankful for.

I don't wanna pray before every meal,

but I'll pray before things that I'm really thankful for.

Like sex.

She's like, "You're more thankful for sex than for food?"