The Santa Clauses

Last season on The Santa Clauses...

Ho ho ho!

My kids don't have any magic powers.

You sure about that?

Your Santa ghost friends were right. We do have powers.

Sandra can speak to animals, and I can see holes in the sky.

The Secessus Clause states that

you may step down once you've chosen a proper successor.

So, the Secessus Clause has a successor subsection.

We could keep it in the family.

I'm gonna do this with my team.

- You want us to go with you? - All of us?

Cal, I want you to make sure that bag's filled with gifts.

These things still work, right?

If you shake 'em, they show your favorite Christmas memories?

- Yes. - Sweet.

Then I'd like to take some snow globes to go.

Which ones?

All of 'em.

Okay, what's so funny?

Everybody's waking up now with something they didn't ask for under their tree.

What have we done?

- -

Cal, did you remember to make sure Riley didn't remember? Did you remember?

- Yeah. I-I remembered. - What could go wrong?

This measures Christmas spirit.

But look at the middle now.

It hasn't been like that since the 14th century.

Wars and the...

Mad Santa. Yes.

That's the last time Christmas was threatened.

- -

This is lunacy. Do they not know who I am?

Well, Santa, you could run faster if you lost the turkey leg and mead.

You can't run from a coup on an empty stomach, Olga.

You call this running?

No Santa has ever been forcibly removed.

This way to safety.

And how dare you call me Mad Santa?

My name is Magnus Antas, and I will smite anyo...

Whoa. Well, there, I just heard it. The yelling, the threats.

The name Magnus Antas sort of does sound like Mad Santa.

Okay. Clever!

May the name Mad Santa cause fear in people for hundreds...

...of years.

["Crazy Train" continues on speakers]

Kris, it's time. Ho ho ho.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Let me grab my beard, and we'll go, go, go.

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Come take your pho-ho-to.

- I wrote that last night. - Yeah, nice.

Look, it's snowing!

Oh, boy. That's cement mix.

Uh, don't get any of that on your tongue.

We really gotta call maintenance.

- There is no maintenance department. - Bob quit?

Yeah, but before he fixed the PA system, so you'll have to shout.

Oh, I don't mind shouting. Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!

Come get your churros. Two-for-one churro. Spoken code word, churro!

Careful, that's not real candy cane!

All part of the experience, folks!

Just pour some hot water on his tongue. It'll detach.

All right. No shoving. Everyone will get a chance to sit in Santa's sleigh.

It's just the three of them.

Well, okay.

Who's first?

On, Donner! On, Blitzen! Yeehaw! I love what I do.

- Ten and two on the reins, babe. - All right.

It's incredible up here.

You know, I didn't quite get it before, Dad,

but you have the best job in the world.

- - I knew you'd love it.

It's like I can feel all the joy in the world all the way up here.

Mmm.

- Way, way up here. - Don't get woozy on us.

Who let Grandpa drive the sleigh? Let's see what this thing can do.

- "Who let Grandpa drive?" -

That sounded like a challenge.

- Hold that there. - What?

Anybody in here wonder what it's like to see a reindeer upside down?

Nope. Nobody wonders that.

Let's go for it. Well, you know, unless Cal's too scared.

- No, I'm not scared. - Really?

Here we go. Come on!

- -

- - That was awesome.

- Ooh! Cal, did you enjoy that? - Oh, yeah. He passed out.

- Huh? -

Ooh.

Oh!

- Whoa, nice tree. Great presentation. -

Rum cake and bourbon balls? You know your Santa Claus.

- Merry Christmas. -

A toast, if I may.

Christmas spirit is at an all-time high.

The result of giving everyone magical snow globes

to see their favorite Christmas memories.

That's the best part of Christmas, is spending time with your loved ones.

- - Which is why I'm so geeked to turn Santa

into a family business.

Yeah.

But we can't forget that Christmas almost ended, and that's not gonna happen again.

So, here's what I wanna do.

I wanna upgrade the E.L.F.S. into a security force to be reckoned with.

Well, sir, then we'll have to reckon with the fact that Gary is incompetent

and not well liked.

She ain't wrong.

Uh, Gary, this is a private meeting.

- Let me take care of Gary. - You gonna kill him?

No. I wanna take over the E.L.F.S.

You wanna be a cop?

When the elves disappeared, I wasn't here to help.

And I wanna be the protector. That is a job for Mrs. Claus.

All right, are you ready to hear my suggestions?

Can't wait.

But spending time in the Yule-Verse with the other Santas reminded me

I'm just a link in an infinite chain.

It's up to me to come up with the next link.

Yes, mistakes were made in that regard.

Don't blame yourself. The mistake was passing over the obvious contender.

I'm flattered, but I am ineligible.

No, no, no. I'm talking about Cal.

May I remind you that Cal has neither

the physical, mental, or emotional acumen for the job?

When he ties his shoelaces, he still says,

"Over, under, around and through. Meet Mr. Bunny, pull him through."

- I know. - I don't need to.

I just like it.

Maybe we should move the birthday party upstairs.

Oh, yes. Merriment. That's what the hats are for.

I can't believe you want me to be the next Santa.

- Yeah. - This is... This is so exciting.

I have so many ideas.

Yeah, that's great. But to be real, we'll probably never get to any of those.

I really feel myself coming into my... ...Santa powers.

That is the north polarity rushing through your DNA, Son.

I can't wait to tell Riley.

Listen, Cal, I think it's best if you forget about Riley.

You know, we need to tell Sandra about her new role.

That's right, that's right.

Sandra, this is a family business,

and I want you to be in charge of the reindeer.

- Oh, yes! -

That's not all.

I want you to take care of all of the animals here at the North Pole.

All the animals?

We'll call her Animal Girl.

We don't need a nickname. I can come up with that.

In my old toy business background...

- Ani-Girl! - Maybe you're not listening.

I can come up with nicknames.

What about Mighty Dame of the Northern Stables Girl?

Where'd that come from? You just thought that up?

I don't need all the names. I can come up with stuff like this.

I already came up with one. Thanks so much.

I already put it on a mug for you. What do you think of that?

A mug? Wow.

"Keeper of the creatures."

Girl.

- I'm spitballing. It's an idea. - It's... Oh, yeah.

- It's just an idea. Okay. - Time for the birthday cake.

- Thank goodness. - Look at this.

- Ooh. Yeah. - Yeah. Okay. Wait a minute.

Where's my special cake-eating fork?

- - I can't eat cake without my fork.

- My fork... This is a disaster. - Aw. Aw.

- Okay. - Whoa. Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, right. Uh... Thank you, Mom and Dad, for making me.

- - No, no, no. You make a wish.

Oh.

- Yeah! -

- All right. - Dad.

Yeah?

- It worked. - Yeah.

I don't think he's forgetting about Riley.

So, Cal wished his girlfriend here.

What's the harm?

Well, I think it's reckless.

You don't see me just bringing random people

that I like up here to the North Pole.

That's exactly what you did with me.

- No, my dear. That was magic. - Aw.

And besides, Riley didn't seem surprised that she was here.

Which means Cal never dusted her.

It's fine. She won't tell anyone.

Right. Because teenage girls are known for their ability to keep secrets.

- - Cal has to learn to focus.

Focus on being Santa.

It takes focus, focus... There's that fork.

Scott, I don't think that Cal is cut out for this job, or even wants it.

He just turned 18.

- He loves the real world. - Okay, what are his options?

Let's say he goes to college to be with Riley,

he gets a CPA degree, they get married,

he never makes partner, vacations twice a year, retires at 65.

Is it easier to blame Riley than to even contemplate

that maybe your son doesn't wanna be exactly like you?

I think he's destined to be Santa Claus, that's it.