Evil Nun

Ayudame! She's coming!

Help me!

My baby! My baby! Wait, wait!

What are you doing?

My baby!

How's it looking, Rog?

Well, Zack, my dude, for starters,

there is a shit ton of duct tape in here.

Can you fix it?

I mean, I'd ask for more duct tape,

but I think every roll in all of Mexico is, uh, right here.

Right. Okay. Well, just do what you can, okay?

Oh, come on.

We're stuck.

Well, of course we are. Why would things ever go our way?

You'd think with no seats this thing would run perfectly.

This your gum or mine?

We're gonna be fine.

Don't let me interrupt.

Let me guess, we're stranded.

Did your horoscope tell you that this morning?

No, I heard you guys talking.

Guys, it's just a test from God. We're gonna be fine.

Right, Zack?

Yeah. Yeah, fine.

I believe God has our back,

but I'm not looking forward to fighting off the coyotes.

We'll be fine. Everything's gonna be okay.

Hey.

Why'd you run off?

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

That woman.

It sounded like a woman screaming.

- Yeah. - What's with the face?

Nothing. I just

didn't think you were gonna be doing any of this

weird stuff on this trip.

Weird.

You know the stuff that my dad beat into my head?

Anything supernatural is either God or...

The devil, right.

And it can't be God speaking to me?

He spoke to hundreds of people in the Bible.

Yes, I know, but how do we know what...

It must really burn up the deacon

to know that this son is potentially dating the devil.

Wow.

Look, I just... I haven't really told him about,

you know, like your visions, whatever.

Because you're ashamed of me?

No, no, no. I'm not ashamed of you at all.

I'm just worried that he'd, like,

ask me to break up with you or something.

And?

And, and what? That's a huge deal.

And would you break up with me?

Maria, I...

Wow.

Maria...

God, please grant me the strength

to not always put my foot in my mouth.

FYI, these things are useless. Calls keep failing.

Yeah, pretty sure we lost service

as soon as we hit the mountains.

So, how are we going to call for help?

I don't know.

It's toast, kids.

Oh, boy.

You got a little something.

So, any ideas, Mr. Fearless Leader?

Uh...

And it was literally 116 in the shade

last time I checked, so let's decide quick.

We could walk somewhere.

Where?

Maybe to that tree?

Or possibly that tree over there.

I heard it's 110 over there.

There it is again.

Did you hear that?

What? What are we hearing?

That woman.

It sounds like she's screaming in pain.

A woman screaming?

I don't hear anything.

Maybe the wind?

So, okay, how about we just set up camp here for the night?

What about the coyotes?

Yes, coyotes are one thing, but what about the damn snakes?

I mean, they're everywhere,

and there's this one called the fer de lance,

and it's the deadliest in all of Mexico,

and that's here, like, right now.

Okay, so nature is not our friend.

Okay, Rog, just chill.

Look, the girls will sleep in the van,

and then the boys will just...

- Also sleep in the van. - Obviously.

Thank you, Zack, great idea from a great man.

Ugh.

All right, I think your sister's jealous, Varla.

Well, yeah, I call that particular shade

of red Lorna's envy.

I'm grossed out, not envious, okay?

- - Shh.

There she is again.

You really don't hear that?

Maybe it's an animal you're hearing.

No, it's not an animal, it's...

She's screaming for help. We have to find her.

No, no, no, no.

If we find her, what's making her scream is going to find us.

Okay, I mean, have you guys even heard of Mexican Dracula?

Who has the road atlas?

Uh... oh. I do.

Okay, what's this road we're on?

It's, uh...

Here.

There.

Iglesia De Santa Dolores de Pena?

Rog, can you tell us how far away we are from there?

Eesh, well, a mile is like an inch, right, Javi?

So, we're here, but, okay.

But I just don't know where on the road we're at.

You really don't hear that?

Maria.

Maria, what are you doing?

Maria.

Honey, get back here.

Maria!

Hey, Zack, quick question.

Is she having a... a thing again?

What are you talking about?

I'm not trying to rag on her,

but isn't her mom like a psychic or whatever?

Maria did predict I'd bust my knees in that homecoming game,

so I believe it.

Psychic gifts are genetic.

They're gifts from God.

Guys, she's... we need to go after her, okay?

What about our stuff?

Leave it. We'll be right back.

I'm not leaving my stuff.

What if somebody drives by and steals it?

Roger, you stay here and watch our gear, okay?

The hell I am.

Maria!

Come on, babe!

Did she even go this way?

I mean, she was on the road.

If she's lost, what happens if we get lost?

Maria!

I'm so tired.

Ask Jesus for stamina.

Do you have to be so cynical about everything?

Not everything, just religion.

Then why did you come on a Catholic retreat?

And miss out on a free trip to Mexico?

I may look dumb, but it's a clever disguise.

Maria!

Oh, it's hot.

It's so hot.

You're so hot.

Thanks, babe.

Yeah, maybe the van wasn't such a bad idea after all.

James 1:2-4.

"Consider it a joy, my brothers and sisters

when you face hardships of any kind."

Here come the Bible quotes.

Oh, I found it. Listen to this.

"Off the beaten path, you'll find

"the Iglesia de Santa Dolores de Pena.

"Largely forgotten now, its very early history

"was once the talk of the spiritual world.

"But in 1993, a local nun, Sister Dolores,

"was dubbed the Miracle Mother when she became pregnant

despite claiming she was a virgin."

No way. I call bullshit.

"Multiple doctors confirmed her maidenhood,

"and during her pregnancy, it was even recorded

"that she healed the sick and the lame

"that sought her attention.

"She made the church her home

"and lived in it during her pregnancy.

"The Vatican itself was considering

"proclaiming the child the potential

"Second Coming of the Messiah,

"but Sister Dolores mysteriously disappeared one week

"before she was due to give birth,

and neither her nor the baby were ever seen again."

Oh, how sad.

"Some say the baby was stillborn and died of a broken heart,

"only for both of them to be buried somewhere together

"in secret.

"Others say she was kidnapped by devil worshipers

"who wanted to sacrifice the baby Messiah.

"Whatever the answer, the only one who knows is

"Sister Dolores, and you can ask her yourself

"because she is said to haunt the very church