Web Therapy

Previously on Web Therapy...

So I feel that perhaps

I shouldn't have that much to do with you

for a while.

I'm gonna let your sister move in here.

I'm gonna make their dreams come true.

I took a mouse and let him bite my neck till it turned red.

All right, yes.

No, I'm an idiot. Why wouldn't you have a tattoo?

Red is my color.

I'm in a little situation

with the, uh--the, uh, Security Exchange Commission.

I've heard of them.

Having worked for you for those many years.

I can't find any sign at all of you being accredited,

uh, as a therapist.

I just need that 15 hours of therapy for myself,

which, you know, obviously, I've been avoiding.

Well, I'm--I'm unclear as to how you're feeling,

and perhaps you could put a word--

word to those feelings.

Are you--just an adjective. Are you depressed?

Are you anxious? Are you con--?

Tell me where you are. Tell me how you're feeling.

I feel okay.

You know, there's a lot going on.

Right.

With my Kip's--you know, he's a candidate...

- Yes. - ...for Congress.

Right.

So we're about to be hurled into the limelight.

That must be, uh, an unusual feeling.

Nothing I can't handle.

Really?

Well, that's good. You--you have confidence.

Yes, but what else is new?

I mean, I've always been, I think,

pretty-- pretty confident.

I was a pretty happy child with a pretty, you know,

run-of-the-mill sort of upbringing.

I find it interesting that you--you feel

as if your--your childhood was a happy one.

How could that possibly have been?

Well, gee, I don't know.

A child who's loved, been adored by her parents,

is usually a pretty run-of-the-mill,

uneventful childhood

and makes for a happy one.

Mom hated you.

You know that.

Well, I think that's not true.

I think you just have

different requirements of what love is, and--

Do you remember when you had lice?

Yes.

And do you remember

that our mother got the lice shampoo for me,

because I also had lice,

and then she ran out of the shampoo.

Yes.

And rather than get more shampoo,

she just shaved your head?

Do you remember that?

Well, of course I remember that.

It was a very efficient way of dealing with the lice.

I would know for sure it was never coming back.

There's nothing in the world that's wrong with that.

I'm not sure where we're getting with all of this.

How can I help you, I guess is the question I need to ask you.

- How can I help you? - Well--

because of course I'm here for you.

Well, great.

Fantastic.

I mean, now that you mention it,

I have a form that I need filled out by you

so that I can get accredited.

Accredited for what?

Well, for my web therapy, of course.

You know, I need-- I need a, uh,

you know, a psychoanalyst, I suppose, but you'll do,

to, um, administer therapy for 15 hours worth.

I guess it's called supervision.

Okay, let me just stop you for a second.

Let me just clarify a couple things for you.

Uh, I am, in fact, a psychotherapist.

- Somehow you--you-- - Are you still?

Yes, indeed. I certainly am a psychotherapist.

And the second thing I'd like to mention is that,

what in the world would you need any kind of accreditation for

to go up on--what is this?

You're on Facebook, curing people?

I'm not sure I understand

this--the--the dynamic of this profession--

"profession."

No, I know.

I mean, time does go by very quickly.

No, now what there is is this thing

called the world wide web, all right?

And there are many therapists who conduct their therapy

over the Internet so that patients can get to them

and get help from wherever they are,

so that's what I provide.

Yes.

Instead of going into an office,

having to blather for a few minutes

so they can get a pill from you.

I see.

So you don't need a pill today?

No, I need you to sign-- it's this form here.

It's very simple. I can just fax it over to you.

You sign it, and then I'm on my way.

We have this bothersome campaign manager

who said I'm gonna have to suspend treating my patients...

Uh-huh.

Because I guess, technically, it's not legal

for me to be practicing without the accreditation, and I--

I--I'm--I'm not about to sign an accreditation form

for you to treat, uh, freaks on the Internet

or the web or the Facebook or the MySpace

or what--whatever it is that you care to call it.

You're sort of ranting right now,

so are you very stressed out?

I--

Is that because you're--

you've moved in with Mom?

I actually am a little stressed out,

so thank you for your concern.

I am a little bit stressed out,

and this communication

certainly isn't making me feel calmer.

Mm-hmm.

- Um, yes, Mom, um-- - Oh, your voice cracked.

- Um-- - Wow.

Mom is--is, um, altered.

I'm gonna say that she's altered these days.

Really?

Well, I know that I haven't spoken to her in a little while,

but that's shocking.

Maybe it's just, you know, the adjustment she's had to make.

You've moved in with your husband,

who's out of work, and, um,

I know it was hard for you.

You had to file bankruptcy.

That can't be easy.

No, that isn't easy.

And then you move in with your--

how many kids do you have?

Ten? Eight?

You see, when we have these conversations

and you bombard me with this kind of sarcasm, um--

I wasn't being sarcastic.

I was genuinely-- I don't remember.

You keep having children, and I lose track.

Fi, I have had four children.

I've had four children.

Yes, but the youngest is not that old,

so I don't know if you've had three or four more in between.

Anyway, Mom has been very--

um, I'm not sure how healthy it is, uh,

her behavior around the children.

Oh.

Just this very morning,

she came downstairs,

and, I mean, it was horrifying

because she--

She was wearing her pajama top

but she had nothing on the bottom.

Oh, how disturbing.

It was repulsive, and Bryce was there,

- and you know, he's-- - Bryce is which one?

He's my first child, Fiona.

First one makes him the oldest, so he's 20?

How old is he? I'm sorry.

- He's 15, Fiona. - 15. 15, not 20.

And his grandmother came down

with her, you know, the whole--the whole--

the whole kit and caboodle.

Yes, well, that could be very disturbing

and set him on a whole path

that might not be too desirable, I'm sure.

No. Yes. No, it's not desirable at all.

Anyway, I can't have that kind of behavior around the clock.

No, of course not.

So, what would you like to do?

Put a pillowcase over her head? I mean, you have...

Well, actually, I--

...a whole pharmaceutical closet there.

Can't you give her something?

- What I'd like to do-- - Hmm?

What I'd like to ask you to do for me--

Oh, yes. To take her.

- Yeah. - For how long?

Um, as long as is humanly possible.

- An hour? - Is that some sort of joke?

No, you said for-- I'm busy.

Have you not noticed? All right.

Have you not noticed that I'm busy?

I have a practice. I have patients.

I have four children. I have a husband.

Well, you're just so unglued.