Squinters

My mate Carly, she needs a date to this swish event.

She plays wheelchair rugby. So can I tell her yes?

Yeah, he got a $300 fine, no conviction.

But my lawyer reckons I can sue him for 150 grand.

So am I gonna lose? MAN ON Honestly? Probably.

Kosciusko might be being taken over by Facebook.

Why would Facebook want Kosciusko? Was it Facebook, or was it Amazon?

So, how did Jess like your open marriage idea?

Absolutely loved it.

But weren't you using it as a way to get her to break up with ya?

Yeah, well, completely backfired. She said she liked the idea

because of the stability that I bring to the table,

and the cunnilingus that others bring to the table.

So all weekend, it was just... one dickhead after the other.

Really? How many, er, how many dickheads were there?

Oh, I don't know. Two. Oh, they weren't bad blokes, though.

One of them made pancakes on Saturday morning,

and the other left a slab.

Fuckin' losers. And you weren't worried that

they were having sex with your wife? Nah, I just put the headphones on

and watched the Panthers smash the Roosters in the '83 grand final.

So you were totally fine with these random dudes having sex with Jess?

Oh, well, not totally.

It did force me to institute some strict ground rules.

We can't sleep with mutual friends,

we can't sleep with people from work,

and we can't sleep with Roosters supporters.

What about you? Did you, er, did you get up to any mischief?

Nah, I strained my neck again

from having standing-up sex with Dave's missus,

so I'm just waiting for that to heal before I go on a rampage.

And, you know, it's the gentlemanly thing to do,

let her get a head start.

So it's a no, then?

It's a no. GLASS CLATTERS

Argh, fuck! What was that? What was that?

Fuckin' Jesus, fuckin'...

When'd you put the window up?

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# Then it's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road. #

'We've got a small delay this morning on the M4,

'with a lane being closed after a car accident at James Ruse Drive.

'It's 8:00AM. Business as usual everywhere else.'

'Lukas? It's Davis.

'Employee Welfare?'

HE SIGHS OK.

'I'm charged with counselling you through your redundancy.'

Look, I don't need counselling, OK?

'Having received an offer of redundancy,

'you are now required to take part in an hour of counselling every day

'for as long as you remain in the employ of Kosciusko.'

OK, and the only way to, I guess, stop the counselling is to take,

I don't know, what, the redundancy?

'Well, yes.' CHUCKLES TO SELF

So basically what you're doing here,

you're trying to phone-pest me out of my job.

'Look, I'm sorry. It wouldn't be my preferred method.'

No, look, it's a good method.

Let's talk. Let's do this. Let's counsel. 'OK, great.

'Ah, well, why don't you start by telling me what makes you happy?'

Happy? 'Ah, or insecure, or sad, or any emotion, really.'

Any emotion? OK, ah, let's pick an emotion.

Er, let's see if you can guess what emotion that is.

I mean, I've only got one left, basically,

cos the other ones have all withered and died.

You know that feeling you get

when you're about to get onto an escalator

and there's just two people standing in front of you, and it's like,

"You could stand to the left," but they're like,

"Oh, no, I'm on an escalator. I don't have to do any work at all."

It's kind of that feeling. 'Ah, yes, I...'

You know that feeling when you rock up at a barbecue

for your brother's engagement and all his douche-head friends

from high school are there,

and they're all standing there in cargo shorts,

wearing pastel shirts with the collar popped up?

You know that look? And you're like,

"Hey, we're in for a fun day talking about the property market!"

Or that feeling... 'Lukas.' ..when you're down the pool,

a little bit self-conscious about your body...

'Yes.' ..and you run into your ex-boyfriend? And you're like,

"Neil, you're looking really good!" And he goes,

"You're looking great as well." And you're like, "Ha!"

And then you see his boyfriend's really hot... 'Oh, yes.'

And you're like, "Hey, good to see you again!"

And they're like, "Yeah, good to see you, too.

"Let's Facebook sometime. We don't have to catch up right now.

"Just Facebook me! Facebook me! Facebook me!" 'Calm down. Calm...'

"See ya later, Neil! And your Paul Bettany lookalike boyfriend."

It's kinda like that feeling!

'Ah, I think we might've got off on the wrong foot.

'OK, I'll call you after work.' Yeah!

'We've got some better news for the M4.

'Crews have cleared up that accident near Malgoa Road,

'and traffic's starting to run again smoothly now.'

Do you think you might wanna get some Botox on your 11?

Might just even out your face. TUTS

I've got an 11! Hey, it's totally fixable.

I'm not getting Botox. Why not? It's like the new lipstick.

I'm 25. Yeah, even more reason.

It's preventative. It's like freezing your eggs, you know.

Securing your future. Guys can do whatever they like.

They can climb the corporate ladder, have kids whenever they like.

But high-powered business-women like us, well, more so me,

have to kind of drop everything to do that kind of stuff.

But, ooh, I could see if they do a two for one on that.

Maybe you could put your eggs in a little corner of my freezer.

My eggs are fine where they are, thank you.

SHE SIGHS I get it.

You're not a supervisor. You don't have to worry about that stuff.

You could just drop everything and have kids whenever you like.

Yeah, OK. You've been working for like a week.

Yeah, but I've been preparing for this my entire life.

OK, I want some feedback on my management style,

particularly the compliments game we played yesterday.

Well, it, ah, cut significantly into time

when we should have been doing actual work.

But at least I now know that

Farida only thinks I'm a bitch when I'm stressed.

Oh, and Harbhajan saying that I have totally kissable lips? That's crazy.

I never noticed him before that.

It's funny how a compliment can just change the way you see someone.

So now you like him? Sure.

I like anyone who likes me. I'm not rude.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean you have to date them.

I'm meeting his entire family this weekend.

Well, that's a bit quick, isn't it? Ah, families love me.

OK, so all this talk about freezing eggs and Botox

and now meeting Harbhajan's family, is that your life now?

That's your plan?

Now that you've got a real job, you're just gonna get married,

have kids, have a normal life, forget all about Cabernet Shavasana?

No! That's never gonna happen, OK?

I mean, what man in the world is ever gonna provide me

with the companionship, and the support,

and the unsolicited advice that you're so wonderful at?

Well, that's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me.

See? The compliments game is so good. Now do me. Do me!

SHE CHUCKLES

You're going to work drinks this afternoon, right?

After my night out with Carly, I'm not sure I ever wanna drink again.

So, how did it go? Ahh, it was fine, I guess.

Ahh, details.

Haven't you guys debriefed about it? I thought you were best friends.

Oh, no, she's just a friend of a friend, of a friend.

Wait... the only reason I went out with her

is cos I thought I was doing you a favour.

Doing me a favour? I was doing you a favour.

Actually, I was doing both of you a favour.

Why, what happened?

Have you ever been out with Paralympians? They can drink.

Yeah, she's an athlete. All athletes can drink.

They were doing Jaegarbombs between every course.

I couldn't keep up.

Two of these sprinters accidentally swapped guide dogs

when they left at the end,

and there was this shot putter who was totally blind.

I mean he was deaf, but he was really drunk.

And he coward-punched this double-amputee long jumper

cos he thought he was Oscar Pistorius.

It was utter chaos.

But what about Carly? Did you guys get on?

Carly asked if I was circumcised. Over dinner.

I told her I wasn't,

and that was literally the last thing she said to me.

She spent the rest of the night with bloody Grant Hackett.

He's not a Paralympian. No, he was hosting it.

And look, the guy's had a tough couple of years,

so I didn't begrudge him the extra attention.

Besides, I clearly have something that he doesn't have. What?

A foreskin. THEY CHUCKLE

Well, if you hate foreskin that much, you don't wanna waste

your valuable time fake laughing at the jokes of a guy who has one.

OK, we'll get to the fake laughing bit in a minute.

Don't you think it's a bit prejudiced to make a decision

on a person based on the absence or presence of a foreskin?

What, you've never made superficial decisions

about a woman's baps, or arse, or... Her baps?

I certainly haven't made a decision based on whether or not

her baps or arse have had surgery.

Well, I think a penis is a bit more personal

because it goes, you know, inside you.

You know, I think women are entitled to have an opinion on that.

I just think it's unfair.

What's your position

on the whole circumcised versus uncircumcised thing?

As long as you don't give your penis a name, we're absolutely fine.

Oh, don't... Mr Happy. Oh, no, that is terrible!

Mr Happy. It's... Ohh!

It's not as bad Jeremy or Gandalf...

CHUCKLES

..all of which I considered.

Still. Mr Happy?

He's-He's easily pleased. Ohh! He's a happy guy.