Squinters

I got offered a job. It's on the Gold Coast.

What have I told you about the risks of early intercourse?

The diseases. The emotional consequences.

The hip dysplasia.

My lawyer reckons I can sue them for 150 grand,

even though I'm 50% at fault.

Thanks for calling me on FaceTime. Now I can see you.

You can see me, for better or worse. And you're in your jarmies.

Oh, shit.

Don't jump to any conclusions. What, that my best friend stole

the virgin hair and tried to frame me? As if I didn't know.

My name is Macca. Argh!

You like it?

Yeah, what is it? It's awesome.

You know I always design apps to help people?

Yeah. I warned you about wasting your time with that shit.

Yeah, well, I thought,

what's the most simple, idiotic brain fart of an idea

that I could come up with, and that's it - Psycho Mouth.

So it's yours? Mm-hm.

Cool. What else does it do?

Nothing.

Sold it to a platform for $20,000 and get 30 percent profits.

Fuck. How's it selling?

Top 100. Fuck.

What are you still coming to work for?

There's no long-term security in making apps.

Gee, you love your long-term security, don't you?

Yeah, I do. I love it.

You love your corsages, too? Is that your wedding suit?

Yeah, it's my civil mediation today.

If I can squeeze 150K out of the guy that ran me over,

I'll be joining you and your app in the winners' circle, mate.

What do you think of the corsage?

I'd lose it, mate. I can't. It's sewn on.

It looks great.

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road... #

'All lanes have reopened on Wattle Street, Haberfield,

'following late finishing road works.

'It's 8am. Traffic's clearing as we speak.'

Do you think Mum suffered?

No. I mean, she had a lovely room at the hospital overlooking the garden.

Yeah, but Mum hated gardens.

No, she hated gardening.

Oh, well, even so, it's just a fucked-up place to go - Albury.

I mean, you know, could be worse. Could be somewhere like Townsville.

Townsville's actually come a long way in the last few years. Ah!

Apparently they're getting an IMAX cinema.

Oh, yeah? Mm.

You know, I think I like the concept behind the IMAX

more than the actual experience.

Yeah. It's a bit... Too close.

..in your face, isn't it? Yeah. Get a migraine.

An eye ache, and your neck's all cricked back.

I've got to thank you for representing me again.

Oh, don't be silly.

No, look, something opened up and, you know, you're my brother. Yeah.

That's what Mum would have wanted. Anyway, look, thanks again.

Thanks again? For helping.

Still thanking me. It means a lot.

Don't thank me too much. You know it's not free this time, don't you?

You charging me? Yes, I'm charging you.

Well, I'm not just going to give you free law services for eternity

just because we're related. Don't worry, you're getting a discount.

How much of a discount? 50%.

50... That's still $5,000 a day.

$5,000 a day. That's right.

Yeah, but, like, it's... Saving $5,000 a day.

What do you mean, saving? It's $5,000 a day.

Yeah, but you're saving $5,000 a day.

Come again? It's $5,000 a day.

No, you're thinking about it the wrong way.

OK, you think $5,000 is a lot of money.

It's a lot of money, yes. Hold that thought.

You're saving $5,000.

'We're hearing that traffic's banked up

'on Northumberland Street, Liverpool,

'after a road rage incident over a parking spot.'

BEEP 'Message received today at 8.15am.'

'Hey, mate, Gold Coast is great.

'A naked guy was arrested in Surfers the other day,

'for driving 120 in a 60 zone.

'They pulled him over and charged him with not being on meth.

'Still got it! And you thought Queensland would dull my brain.

'It's nice.

'The only thing missing is a cute delivery guy

'trying to lure me into his creepy white van.

'I don't even know why I'm calling.

'I know we said no calls. Not so soon.

'But I don't know. I guess... I miss you.

'I think I'm just going through that natural thing that everyone

'goes through when they start a new job in a new city.'

Oh! Ow, ow! 'I haven't found

'a good coffee place yet.' Ow!

'All the clubs have signs outside reminding you to wear a shirt,

'which is terrible, because you know how much I hate wearing a shirt

'when I'm out.' HE SQUEALS

'It's weird the things you miss.

'Sorry for this message. I won't call you again.

'I'll give us a bit of time to move on. See you.'

'A protest march is underway from the Town Hall to Circular Quay.

'There's rolling road closures and delays can be expected.'

I know you're tired of hearing me say sorry.

Correct. But I am sorry.

I'm sorry that I stole the hair from the storeroom using your password.

And I'm sorry that the truth is, I didn't do it for us.

I did it for me.

I'm going to return the hair today.

I don't need dirty money.

And I don't need to be the boss of our friendship.

I just need you to be my friend again.

OK. OK what?

OK, I'll be your friend again.

Look, I don't know if you noticed but when I became a supervisor,

I lost the plot a little bit.

That was a beautiful apology. Thank you.

I'm so, so happy we're friends again.

Honestly, it was so hard not talking to you on the way to work.

Seriously, because last night I matched your cousin on Tinder

and, obviously, I know you're into him,

I didn't want to make a move because it's pretty awkward.

I don't like my cousin. Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. The lady doth protest too much.

The lady doth not give a fuck, actually.

New plan. New plan. So you can doth date whoever...

New plan. Listen, OK?

I'm going to take the rap for this.

What? Yeah.

You're my best friend, Simoni, OK?

And I'm really lazy as well.

So I can just chill out in jail. You can set up the yoga-wine bar.

One to three years, I pop out, everything's set up.

Well, that is ridiculously selfless, but I don't think a bank

is going to give us a loan if one of us has a criminal record.

Ah, that's true.

Fine, new plan. Thank you.

We're gonna sneak the virgin hair back into the storeroom

and neither of us go to jail.

How?

Well, it's left unattended for about three minutes

when the security shift changes over.

So we can put it back then. Sometimes it's 30 seconds.

Sometimes it's three minutes. It's not foolproof.

We're not fools, are we? And it's win-win as well.

Because if we both get caught, we both go to jail

and then we can spend one to three years with each other. Best friends.

But you will be the one sneaking the hair back into the storeroom

because it was you that stole it and I'm the supervisor, so...

We'll see.

No, we won't. OK.

How was your buck's party?

I guess you can't call it a buck's party cos there was no wedding.

You mean my party? Mm-hm.

Yeah, awesome, thanks for asking.

Yeah. Many people from work turn up?

No. Dave put paid to that.

He just can't get over this whole "I rooted your wife" thing, you know.

Yeah, I guess some of your friends have kids and stuff and...

Yeah, and there was a lot on with the Vivid Festival and so on.

Yeah, yeah. I can see how there's a bit of crossover there.

So, yeah, it was a pretty tight group and we're like,

"Cool, all the more Sumo Midget Milfs, booze and dolls for us."

Yeah, it was great for a while and then some guys had to go home

cos they had to get up early in the morning.

So I just hung out and just called a few people,

but no-one really picked up because it was getting late.

No, wait a minute, I lie.

My wife picked up and she told me that she's moving in with Macca.

You know, the other Macca, the one I was mates with.

Which I'm pretty happy about cos he's a decent guy.

And then the next thing I know, a rescue worker is pulling me in

from a ledge on the 19th floor of Parramatta Tower.

Mate, you could have called. I would've picked up.

No, you were too busy being a fuckin' adult.

Mate, I would have picked up.

What time do you have to be in court?

Oh, 9am. You sure the corsage is OK?

There's a Swiss Army knife in the glove box.

It's got a corsage removal blade, has it?

Well...

..let's cut this thing off like your left nut.

It was my right nut.

But thanks for your concern, mate.

Maybe just wait till you get to the courtroom.

I reckon I can do it. OK.

'I don't understand, babes. I just don't.'

Have you been drinking? 'No! Yes.

'What? That's classified.'

Jesus, Gary, it's 8am. 'What?'

Gary, just try and pull yourself together.

Kosciusko's about to go under.

The CEO'S gone, they've taken away all the redundancy packages,

and there's talk of some internal theft.

I've got a lot of shit going on.