Squinters

When we get to mine you should come in and we can keep talking shit.

I dunno, I've got an early start tomorrow. I was...

I'm not gonna ask you twice. Yes, please, I'd like to come up.

Someone stole the $24,000 virgin hair.

Really? Do they have any leads? No.

Good luck at coming to my fuckin' wedding.

You and your wife are both disinvited.

And you can stick best man up your arse.

It's on recycle... recirculate. Is that what that means? What's recirc?

Nope, it's still not.

Stupid, bloody...

What is wrong with this?

Could you stop? Just stop fiddling with it, please!

I'm not touching your side, Lukas.

It's a dual climate thing. You're over there. It's not dual climate!

That operates both sides.

Why does that say 24 and that says 21? That's dual climate.

No... Yours is coming out at 24. Mine's coming out at 21.

You can have 24... There's no... No. ..over there. I want 21.

There's no difference. It's all one temperature.

Oh, eventually if you mixed it about like a bath or something... Well...

..but I want what's coming out now and I want 21.

Don't touch my settings, OK? Leave 'em alone.

All right, fine. You know what? Turn it off. There you go.

No air conditioning.

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open ro-oad

# So how do you think it feels When sleeping by yourself?

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open ro-oad. #

'A city-bound lane is closed on Parramatta Road at Katherine Street

'due to a car crash. It's now 8am. Expect delays. Traffic...'

Do you need me to put the seat forward

for your tiny little stumpy legs?

No!

I could do this. It must be fun in deliveries.

Fun? Yeah!

Going door to door. I bet you've got some stories.

Single mums, divorcees.

Home alone in the middle of the day.

Do you think I live in an '80s porno?

What, you've never got up to any shenanigans on a delivery run?

Firstly, 99% of my deliveries are to, like,

obese, beardy warehouse managers with smokers' coughs.

Mm, hot. Maybe I should get into this.

And secondly, if I ever did turn up at a house and open the door

and there was, like, a hot housewife wearing a silk nightgown...

Silk nightgown? Ooh la la!

..it'd probably be because she's getting her kids breakfast

and hasn't had time to change into her tracksuit pants.

No-one has time to shag random delivery guys any more. Oh!

And frankly, I don't have time to shag them.

Well, they don't know what they're missing out on.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Did you just... Did you just call me sweetie?

Yeah, I thought I should have a pet name for you.

I thought it might be cute.

Oh, but not "sweetie", though.

It sounds like my Uncle Barry.

It doesn't have to be "sweetie". We could go with... bae?

Bae. Who are you, Jay Z?

Or honey. I quite like people who call each other "honey".

It kind of sounds like "sweetie".

Let's put a moratorium on all sweeteners.

What about... "precious"?

Gollum. No, I heard it as soon as I said it.

I quite like "mate" as a term of endearment.

Mate? Hm. What's mate?

I've never done with any of my mates what we did the other night.

Well, your mates are really missing out.

THEY LAUGH

'Some stats released today

'say that Sydney has the worst traffic in Australia.

'That's right, 40% of people...'

Talia, why are you driving?

Simoni's having some sort of anxiety episode.

I'm not anxious. I've got nothing to be anxious about.

I see you got your Ps. Yeah.

Oh, congrats. Oh, thanks.

I've been thinking about getting my Ps.

Wait, you don't have a licence? No.

But you drive to work every day.

And I've never had a crash!

I'm saving my Ps money to go to New York.

Oh, I'd love to go to New York.

I'm seeing Dreshenka, this amazing psychic who can lift curses.

How often do you see her? I try to go once a year.

You must get cursed a lot. It happens to successful women.

God, maybe I have a curse I need to get lifted.

Get this, apparently the virgin hair thief

used my code to get into the store room. No way!

Yeah. How do you know?

Well, apparently my code was the last one to be used,

so all fingers are pointed at me now.

What I'm about to say cannot leave this car, OK?

OK. Sure.

I don't have the ability to lift curses,

but I have been taught how to detect them.

I'm gonna need some silence.

Oh, please! Talia, I'll try you first.

SHE HUMS

Yeah, you're good. Yes, I knew it. Really?

Do you want me to try you, Simoni?

No, I'm fine, thank you. Are you sure?

Yeah, thanks. No, I'm all right, actually. It doesn't hurt.

No, no. What's gonna happen? Go with it.

Come on. What do you have to lose?

No way. Simoni, chill out, all right?

You've had a terrible time lately and you've been acting really weird.

Maybe you do have a little cursey-wursey.

I-I haven't been acting weird. I've just been... thinking a lot.

Actually, I've been thinking that, erm, that you're right.

We should call the bar Namaste And Chill.

Yep. No.

I think we should keep it as Cabernet Shavasana.

OK, if that's what you really want.

What I really want is to find out who stole that fucking hair.

'We've got breaking news from Auburn.

'There's been a three-car collision on Rawson Street.

'Best to avoid the area as traffic delays...'

His name's Gav. His missus kicked him out last night

so he's staying at mine. Is he all right?

Yeah, he's asleep.

Are you sure it's nothing a bit more serious?

I mean, I can't hear or see him breathe.

What, do you think he's dead? Can you check?

He's not fucking dead. Would it kill you just to check?

Gav.

Gav. Gav.

Gav. Gav!

Nah, he's all right. He'll fall sleep anywhere, that kid.

He's got motion narcolepsy. He once fell asleep in a tuk-tuk.

Woke up without a kidney. He falls asleep in his forklift all the time.

That sounds dangerous.

Yeah, well, lucky they've promoted some new management

to start clamping down on that sort of thing.

Have they promoted Dave? I always knew Dave was management material.

Oh, fuck you. Hey, congratulations, Macca!

Was that cos of the quiz?

Final question. Scores level. What's the capital of Canada?

That trips a lot of people up.

Yeah, well, I say to my teammates, "Ottawa!"

And they say, "Are you sure it's not Vancouver?"

And I say "Fuckin' lock in Ottawa, bitches."

The other team locks in Toronto. Answer comes in - fucking Ottawa!

Crowd cheers. The higher ups shook my hand. Dave was furious!

It was beautiful. And then they made you a manager?

Yeah, well, I've just been applying for years.

I just think Ottawa just tipped 'em over the edge, you know?

Ah, congratulations, mate. Thanks mate. 57K plus overtime.

Oh! Awesome.

No more rooting workmates in the packaging area.

I'm a manager now. Good for you, mate.

I'll just fuck 'em in the staff room.

'Darling, Gary here.

'Gary hasn't seen his Snookie or Mooshie or Chlo-Chlo

'in a long while... Sad face.

'Hey, Bridget. Gary again. Just checking in.'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE

'Bridge! Gary here. Is everything OK?'

'Just checking in. Again!'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE

'OK, now this is feeling stalky but I really wanna...'

SHE TURNS OFF MESSAGE 'I know where you live.

'Hee, hee, hee, hee! That was definitely a joke.

'How are all my...'

Wow.

Way to ghost Gary, Mum.

Is that what's it called?

Yeah, I do it to you all the time. Do you honestly think I'm that busy?

Well, you only ever do it when you're with Vijay...

because you're obviously having sex.

Sorry, Mum.

I can't break up with Gaz, not yet. Do you know how long it's taken me

to find a man who actually likes you two?

I mean, he really likes you two. It's incredible.

He's thinking of getting a tattoo with your birth times.

But you don't like him! But he likes you!

But we don't like him!

As you get older you put up with some unbearable shit

in exchange for companionship.

My point is, Mum, you don't need a man to make you feel whole, OK?

You're an amazing woman, even if you are a snoop.

You're 100% right. I'm over it.

It doesn't matter how many times I clean the sink

after Gary's trimmed his nostril hairs,

there's always one left staring right back up at me.

PHONE RINGS

Gary! Hi!

'Oh, I've missed you, Bridge. How about dinner tonight?

'Your shout! That was a joke. We'll split it like usual.'

Sounds lovely, Gary.

SHE MOUTHS

So much bad luck.

I mean, I must have missed the day I trod on a cat,

on a black cat, sorry. Near a ladder. On a ladder.

If the cat's on the ladder, smashed the mirrors. I don't even know it.

'What-What's happened now?'