Squinters

"How about dinner and a movie? Gary loves spy thrillers."

Oh, great, he talks about himself in the third person.

That's a massive red flag.

I have actually been hired as your area's supervisor.

You're my supervisor?

Hey, what about that time you gave that kid an atomic wedgie

for a full five minutes?

You strangulated one of my testicles,

and I had to get it removed.

TYRES SCREECH

Fucking... hell! I just hit a man with no pants!

Can you stop staring at me? What? I'm... I'm not. Not staring.

What? No, it's nothing.

It's just obviously, the last five years have been very hard on you.

What do you mean, "obviously"? It's pretty obvious.

You've changed, too. It's been five years.

Yeah, but right now, I'm seeing 20. Oh, fuck off!

No, honestly. You don't look anything like I remember.

What's happened in the last five years?

You weren't bald last time I saw you.

Suddenly, you look like some kind of,

I don't know, Greek sex pest. I've grown into a man.

Remember when we were teenagers and we used to dress the same

so we could pretend to be twins?

Yes. That is inconceivable now.

Honestly, I'm not even 100% sure you are my brother.

You could be a stranger, for all I know.

OK, what number Arrowfield Street did we grow up on?

I don't even remember. You don't remember?

No. 23 Arrowfield Street?

What was our favourite TV show? It's A Knockout.

The A Team. No.

OK, stop the car. I don't know who you are.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Let me out.

# It's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road

# So, how do you think it feels

# Sleeping by yourself

# When the one you love The one you love

# Is with someone else

# Then it's a wide open road

# It's a wide open road... #

You're not gonna believe this,

but we've got a great run into the city on the M4 this morning.

It's just gone 8am.

How long the good times last is anyone's guess.

Time to play guess the blood alcohol content!

OK, what were you drinking, and when was your last drink?

Bourbon, 2am. Point zero, eight.

HE IMITATES BUZZER Point one, two.

That's very high.

I've decided to become a legend again, Neddy.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot who I was,

and you reminded me of the man I used to be.

You mean the boy you used to be? We've matured a lot since...

Yeah, check this out, check this out.

Hey, if you got a promotion and moved to another city,

I'd move for you and look after the kids!

That's a weird thing to say.

You've gotta be careful

not to yell out anything too degrading these days.

Why yell out anything at all? Nah, you gotta yell something out.

It's just gotta be politically correct.

OK. How'd she respond?

Ah, she gave me the finger, which is fine.

She obviously wasn't listening to the content,

but once they realise we've improved the content, Neddy,

they'll come round, they'll come round.

Here. Here, check it out.

Oi! I'd love to get to know you in a non-threatening setting!

How'd she respond to that one?

She gave two fingers, and she pulled a face.

But she'll soon release that I said something nice about her,

and she'll feel fucking great about herself.

Here, here's another one.

If you were having a spew, I'd... Oh, bloke with a ponytail!

THEY LAUGH

Some bad news.

There's a multi-vehicle accident on the M2,

so avoid Macquarie Park, where two eastbound lanes...

Where did you learn to tie a tie, anyway?

Well, before yoga, I was a massive slut.

Oh, now you're just a massive ideas thief.

TALIA SIGHS

OK, Simoni, I am sorry that I stole your idea

to get the job that was rightfully yours.

What do you want? Oh, a friend can't just apologise to a friend?

Jesus! Why are you so suspicious of me... all of a sudden?

I do need some intel, though, on the dispatchers I'll be supervising.

Mm, I've been telling you about them for seven years.

Yeah, but now I care. I won't be a snitch.

Simoni, the longer I have this job,

the more money we have for our yoga-wine bar.

Hey!

Come on.

Yeah. Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Fine.

OK, tell me about Roger.

Roger is addicted to water.

What? He's always taking toilet breaks,

and the boys say he actually stands at the urinal pissing

whilst drinking a bottle of water.

Oh, my God, like a water feature. Yeah, exactly.

OK, Connor has been staring at me. Yeah.

Um, both of his eyes are glass. Oh, shit!

Yeah, don't bring it up. I... Oh, God, OK.

And then there's Brian, who is a hugger. Mm-hm.

And Susan, who's a 65-year-old spinster.

Oh, I would love to be a spinster.

Mm, I'd rather be a widow or a divorcee.

Oh, my gosh. Divorcee. That is so glamorous. Yeah.

Widowed as well. That's, like, very noble, very powerful.

Mm. "Ooh, here arrives the widow Talia. Doesn't she look stoic?"

"Oh, this is my friend Simoni.

"She's divorced, so she's really lived a life."

"I've really lived." I can't stop living."

"She's lived a life." "So much."

OK, so, who else? Ah, Simoni.

Now, what kind of worker is she? Overqualified.

Bad attitude. Second warning.

So they got the tumour out, and when he woke up from the anaesthetic,

he realised he was gay.

Yeah, no... That happens more often than you'd think.

They either wake up gay or being able to speak Mandarin.

Hey, can you grab this package that's just behind my...

I'm glad Uncle Con's happy, but for the sake of his marriage,

it might've been better

if he'd woken up being able to speak Mandarin.

Happy birthday. What? It's not my birthday.

Everyone was writing "happy birthday" on your Facebook.

Oh, I use a fake birthdate for privacy reasons.

Well, that's a bit harsh on your mates, isn't it?

Well, my mates know my proper birthday.

So I'm not one of your mates?

Well, we can be mates, if you want.

So, can I open it now, or do I have to wait till January?

Maybe wait till January? I'm not gonna get you another one.

Oh, no! Oh, God! I just ripped your beautiful wrapping!

Oh, far out! It keeps happening!

I can't even... Oh!

Wow.

You painted this? Mm-hm.

It's... It's lovely.

Who is it?

It's you.

Yeah. Yeah, it... That's me. It's not... It's no big deal.

I just like painting portraits of friends, people I know and stuff.

It's... It's not like I stayed up all night finishing it or anything.

Why have I got a lazy eye? You don't have a lazy eye.

Who's that artist who paints the melted clocks?

Salvador Dali? Yes.

Yes, it reminds me of him. Thanks?

I mean, it's not what I was going for,

but I'm a big fan, so I suppose...

No, I mean, you made me look like Dali.

You've even given me a little... little moustache.

Let's just forget this happened. Just put it... No.

Just put it back. No way.

Oh, my God. No way, Paul. This is...

This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Shame about the lazy eye, though. Oh!

It looks like I think I've got a fly on my nose.

Just put it in the back. No, no! No. Oh!

Oh, the eyes are following me. It's like the Mona Lisa.

If she had a moustache. Oh, you are such a bitch.

And Bell's palsy.

Neddy, Neddy, Neddy, Neddy.

You've gotta get your head out of your mobile apps!

You remember I make apps. I'm honoured.

You make any money from those fuckers or what?

Yeah, I sell them for about $10,000 a pop,

and then I get 30% of the back end as well.

Bubbler's pedalling along nicely at the moment,

tells you where the nearest drinking fountain is.

Then I've got WeMove, which I'm pretty excited about.

WeMove. I like it. What's that, like discount removalists?

Nah, tells you the best time to go to the bathroom during a movie.

You get 10,000 bucks for that?

Yeah, plus 30% of the back end as well, so...

MACCA SIGHS

Fucking how far to the Magistrates Court?

Um, another ten minutes or so. MACCA GROANS

You nervous? Yeah, I haven't been this nervous

since Jess checked the browser history,

searching for a recipe. Ugh!

For what? Coq au vin.

Did she find it? Yeah, kind of.

You know the guy that ran me over also works at Kosciusko?

Pfft. What are the odds?

About one in 3,375.

I thought the female version of Ghostbusters was awesome!

Response? Doughnuts.

There's a five-vehicle accident on the M4 at Holroyd,

taking out a city-bound lane.

Is that what you're wearing, or did you bring a change of clothes?

No, this is what I'm wearing. Why? What?

Normally when people are attending court, they make a bit of an effort.

I have a made a... This is an effort.

Do you have a suit that would fit me?

Do I have a suit that would fit you?

Yeah. Why would I have that suit?