Squinters

SHE COUGHS

It's probably the asbestos people were saying they found at work.

I don't know how much time I have left.

I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum.

Oh, my God.

So, are you gay?

No. Yes. Yes, I am.

Can I ask you a question?

I'm not gay. OK, yeah.

The doctor thinks I'd be a poor IVF candidate.

And I'm infertile.

Well, my staff hates me, my husband's cheating on me,

but I do have a great driver,

and I happen to have an amazing bolognaise sauce at my house

that he's welcome to sample if he'd like.

This couldn't come at a worse financial time.

How many thousands of dollars do I have to spend at the vet,

retrieving things from your lower colon?

It's disgusting. Who eats a whole bauble?

A whole bauble? Tinsel? What's nice about tinsel?

If we cut you open, you'd be like a bloody...

It'd be like a discotheque inside your bloody stomach.

What a disgusting scene that is.

God, how many weird things can you eat?

My car keys, gone.

Bag of marbles, gone.

All of Daddy's Lego men, gone.

Remember the next day, I looked out in the bloody back garden,

these little poos everywhere with, like, little...

It was like Pompeii.

There were, like, little Lego men, like, half-submerged,

just, like, dying in stasis, embedded inside your turds.

BARNEY PANTS You little shitbag.

Love you, though.

BARNEY WHIMPERS Love you.

# Let's go! Whatcha waitin' for?

# Your prayers are already answered

# Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste

# Let's go Green light, step on the gas

# Don't let no-one pass

# Put some pep in your step Follow me, this way

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light, go

# Do you wanna go, go, go?

# I'ma, I'ma run this show

# Red light Oh, do you wanna go?

# Green light Do you wanna go?

# Hey! Do you wanna Do you wanna go? #

I'm the one who's supposed to be experimenting

with sex and relationships, not my parents! Yeah.

I mean, I just don't even understand swinging, right?

It's like taking the most fun bit out of having an affair,

the lying!

Here I was, prepared to comfort my mum

after my dad made out with your mum,

but then my mum goes and puts her hand on your dad's knee.

It's, like, out of control.

You know what the most disgusting bit about it is? Mm.

Is that it's not even love, right?

They just see each other as these, like, sex objects.

It's not even cute.

Speaking of...

Guy told me he loves me. TALIA GASPS

EMAIL ALERT Did you say it back?

It was too awkward not to.

Ew! What, you thinking about Guy's stank?

CEO just sent me an email

with a different idea on the promotional video

we've already signed off on.

Why does the CEO send you emails?

Because I'm Acting Marketing Director.

Oh, yeah! You're important.

I always forget that because of your eczema.

She wants to refer to the employees as "The K2 Crew".

Gross!

I think that's great. Ah!

It's cool. We are a crew, man. Uh...

Hey, I've been resenting you quite a bit lately.

What? Yeah.

Because you've got this amazing job,

you're so in love with this stinky guy,

you're not caring about anything.

Enough. I'm the only one allowed to make fun of Guy's stank.

You've found happiness, I haven't. That's how it works.

I'm allowed to make fun of you and whatever person makes you happy.

You have a dark heart, Talia. TALIA CHUCKLES

Oh, you know what's gonna really suit you?

Is one of those, like, oxygen masks

and those tanks that you wheel around

when the asbestos gets to you.

It would suit me.

It'd give me higher status because I'd be sick.

I'd get a better car spot at work,

men would stop interrupting me at meetings,

and Dad would be so grief-stricken,

he wouldn't be able to maintain an erection while fucking your mum.

You've hardly said a word in 24 hours.

Don't worry, babe. It's nothing to do with you.

Well, just don't infect the car with your bad attitude.

If we've got any chance of attracting a baby into our lives,

we need to keep it light.

"Attracting a baby into our lives"?

You make it sound like we're trying to trap a beaver.

What's your problem?

HE SIGHS

You know that carrot cake you lovingly baked for me?

I did bake it lovingly. Yeah.

Well, I took a slice of it into work yesterday, ate it.

Beautiful. Thank you.

Then when I returned to my desk,

look what I found Blu-tacked to my chalkboard.

It's a photograph of a dick

quietly resting on the piece of cake I just ate.

I can see what it is.

Talk about having your cock and eating it too.

Ha-ha! I feel sick.

Ah, although it's disgusting, you're not gonna catch anything.

I mean, I never have.

When I find out whose dick it was, I'm gonna rip their dick off

and shove it down their throat so far, they'll be drowning in dick.

I'm gonna look even harder at the urinals,

and whoever owns this dick...

Oh, that's Jonno's from maintenance.

What?

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Maybe you should examine why you've got so much anger.

HE SIGHS Maybe it's all this baby stuff.

God! I never thought I'd be that guy.

Well, would it make you a little less angry

if I told you I finally found someone to donate her eggs?

Bullshit. No bullshit.

Babe, that's great! Mm-hm.

What's she like?

Tall, er... funny, brunette.

OK, cool. Quick question...

Would I bang her?

That's offensive and irrelevant.

I agree it's slightly offensive, but it's not irrelevant.

I need to know whether I'd bang her,

otherwise, we're screwing with the laws of nature.

It's totally offensive and completely irrelevant

because we're not even using your sperm.

OK, I'll rephrase the question. Would Gavin bang her?

Undoubtedly, yes.

OK... so it literally could be anyone.

So, did you bring me back a present? What?

Sorry, that was just a... light-hearted riff on...

Like, whenever my mum used to go away,

she'd always bring us back a present.

But you're not my mum, and...

now I fully regret bringing it up.

I think I'm just acting weird

because of what happened before you left.

Why? What happened before I left?

You know, with us.

What are you talking about? I have no idea.

The kiss. The kiss?

Yeah. What kiss?

Our... Our kiss.

Our kiss? Yeah.

Where, in the car? In the car, yeah.

Brett, you shouldn't be kissing people in the car.

This is a work car.

Not a kiss car.

We were into it. We were?

Yeah, and then, like, in your house for 45 minutes, at least.

45 minutes? Yeah.

Gross. Was there petting? Petting?

Heavy petting? Light petting? Oh, right, um...

Medium, I guess.

Ah, medium petting, yeah. Yeah, I do remember.

Good, cos for few a minute there,

I thought you'd gone to New York to clear your mind

because you'd fallen in love with me. Uh-huh.

Well, I was summoned by the managing director,

who's upset with me for telling the staff about asbestos.

Well, you had to. We could all die.

Yeah, well, he couldn't even tell me on the phone.

Face to face, had to yell at me.

So, did you see your husband? Yes.

How was he?

I hired a private detective to follow him.

Isn't... Isn't that a bit hypocritical

after what happened with us before you left?

OK, let's do the math. All right.

In Australia, we say "maths".

In his column, there's multiple affairs.

My column contains a driver who got overly excited

about my spaghetti bolognaise and tried to kiss me.

Well, you kissed me right back.

Ah! Sorry.

It's all right. Shit. Wow. Sorry.

I always touch the most hurtful place.

I should have just... Nah.

Sorry.

You OK? Yeah.

HE GROANS

BRIDGET COUGHS

Are you all right?