Squinters

_

- How's work? Are you CEO yet? - You know what?

I'm actually expecting some good news this morning.

I don't trust good news. Every silver cloud has a black lining.

Come on, Mum.

- You could be looking at the new... - _

..the new bloody Pacific sales manager at Kosciuszko.

They're looking for someone experienced,

energetic yet confident.

Doesn't sound like you at all.

That's exactly what I am.

Sounds more like your brother.

You're more of a timid

- self-deprecating tinkerer. - _

Tinkerer? What is a tin...? That sounds I'm a fiddler or something.

A tinkerer?

Anyway, thanks once again for filling my cup with such confidence.

If you prefer lies, just say so.

Well, I would rather the lies, Mama.

Oh, is that...

Eugh.

- It was Barney. - Was it Barney, was it? OK.

Barney, that was very... You're a very bad dog, Barney.

What a very bad human-smelling fart you just did then.

- No, don't scold him, love. - Yeah, I wasn't.

That was a pretend scolding 'cause I know that wasn't him.

I know what Barney's farts smell like, Mum.

I don't what you're implying.

Oh, I think we know what's happening here.

I know what you did.

Well... I'm an old lady.

Sometimes I'm not even sure what's going to come out of me.

(ON RADIO) Two southbound lanes closed

in the Princes Highway at Kings Way due to a multi car crash.

It's just gone 8:00am.

Motorists are advised to exercise caution and try and remain patient.

Hi.

- Hi. - Morning.

- How you doing? - Good.

So, who else are we picking up for the carpool?

Nobody else in marketing even mentioned it.

- Really? That is so typical. - _

Yeah. You'd think at least one other person would've signed up.

- So... it's just you and me? - _

Yeah. Is that a problem?

Yeah. Yeah, that's a problem.

Well...

There must be hundreds of people that live near us.

Does no-one else care about their carbon emissions?

- Right? - Yeah!

- People. - It's like I'm the only one

- that got a flyer under my door. - (LAUGHS)

Yeah. And what sort of loser would I have to be

to contrive a carpool club

and design and print out one flyer and put it under one person's door?

Yeah, just to end up with someone alone in your car!

I know, right? That'd be...

Smile!

- What's that? - #carpoolclub.

Oh. Cool.

That way if I turn up murdered,

people will know it was the guy in the creepy white van.

Why do people always say white vans are creepy?

You wouldn't say that about a black van or a yellow van.

Don't make this a race thing.

Everyone knows that kidnappers and psychos drive white vans.

Well, if everyone knows that psychos drive white vans,

then a real psycho wouldn't buy a white van, would he?

He'd, like, go for something more inconspicuous,

like a hatchback or a Prius,

so then he could drive around stalking whoever he wanted

without anyone making the assumption

he was going to do anything psychopathic.

How do you know so much about how psychos think?

Eastbound lanes have reopened on the M4

after an earlier car breakdown approaching Stubbs Street.

Traffic starting to flow again now, so not as bad a day as we'd thought.

So... (EXHALES)

..to get a job in the warehouse now,

you've got to pass a psychometric test.

_

And they got the usual questions, you know -

"Do you make your bed in the morning?"

"If you stub your toe on an inanimate object,

"do you yell at the object?"

- OK. - _

And now they got one

"If you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be?"

Huh! That's weird and difficult.

Yeah, well, I've put some thought into it

and I reckon I'm like a Royal.

My tough chocolate exterior takes a bit of biting into but once you do,

you find a pleasant-tasting marshmallowy soft centre.

Yeah, but you're not like a Royal.

Are you a fucking authority on me now, are you?

No, no - I'm just yet to see

this pleasant-tasting marshmallowy soft centre,

and I've known you since primary school.

Yeah, but it's not like we actually hung out.

No, but we're hanging out now.

Alright, alright. Settle down, Neddy.

The DUI charge left me with no choice.

Yeah, but you could've got a lift with anyone at work.

Yeah, but you were the only one that said they'd pick me up from mine.

Well, I guess I was just curious to see if you'd changed.

- Were you curious about me? - Nah.

- Really? - I have vague recollections of you.

You know what? Maybe you're like an Iced VoVo -

sweet but inconsequential.

That's actually offensive.

Alright, Neddy No-Friends, maybe you're a Gaiety.

I'm not a Gaiety.

And I have no problems with Gaieties. I'm just not one.

Look at this.

It's like an accordion.

Get Botox, then.

I can't get Botox.

- Mums Hub keeps telling me - _

- I need to be a positive role model. - _

I literally just watched you go through a red light.

Just promise me you'll actually try at school

so you can get a good job you enjoy,

not get stuck working in bubble wrap,

wondering if you're ever going to get a lay. L... la...

Love.

And commitment.

It's like looking into a mirror of my own past, before the regrets.

And the heroin.

OK, you once had a puff of a joint laced with heroin

and we've been hearing about it ever since.

I need you to get a qualification, Moosh.

- For me or for you? - For me!

And you'd have a safety net when the singing thing doesn't work out.

Sorry - if.

- I spoke to the careers counsellor. - Good!

And what did she say?

She thinks I can be the next Courtney Barnett.

- Never heard of him. - Great.

That Vijay?

- Want to talk about it? - Not really.

Oh, come on, Moosh. Aren't I the cool mum?

- Your friends say that. - They're being sarcastic.

- Elsa's mum is the cool mum. - Really?

Didn't know it was so cool to cheat on your husband.

What?

With the principal. In the janitor's nook.

Besides, I did have friends at school.

- Oh, yeah? Who? - Josh Lindsay.

Never heard of him.

You pinned him down and you shaved a dick into the back of his head.

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

Josh "I'm not lonely" Lindsay.

Yeah. Wasn't the nicest thing to do, was it?

Oh, I was doing it for the guys, mate.

I remember weighing up the hurt Josh would feel

against the joy my mates get out of it

and in the end, joy won.

What can I say? I'm a people's person.

Hey, what about that time you gave that kid an atomic wedgie

for a full five minutes?

Did you weigh up the hurt that kid would feel

against the joy your mates would get out of it?

Nah, I just did it.

Fuck. Poor little bugger.

It was fuckin' funny, though.

- (LAUGHS) Was it? - Yeah.

'Cause that was me.

Yeah. You, uh... you strangulated one of my testicles

and I had to get it removed.

I've had kids since then,

so I guess it's a moot point.

But still...

We do have an accident -

it's in Smithfield on the Cumberland Highway at Sturt Street.

That one's affecting northbound traffic.

Let's practise for your job interview.

- Have you prepped? - _

Um, well... uh, yes and no.

I am wearing a bra. So, that's a good thing.

- And... um, oh, I'm practising my listening face. - _

- Last night I was like, "Hey." - Yep.

God, I don't know if that's listening.

That's flirting face, but listening face is close to that.

- Yeah. - Yeah. OK.

I'll help you.

Uh... Where do you see yourself in five years?

- Not telling. - OK.

What's your greatest weakness?

I would have to say my lower back.

Yeah. OK.

What about strengths?

Very kind.

- OK. - A very generous lover.

You need to rethink some of these answers.

I've got to say I'm an introvert.

I've got to say you are definitely not.

No, I took a quiz last night, you know, on BuzzFeed

and it tells you if you're an introvert or an extrovert

and what kind of Mexican dessert you are.

Well, that sounds like a legitimate quiz by a very academic institution,