Jeff Arcuri: Nice to Meet You

- He's messing with me. What? - Showing you the goods.

-All right. - Showing you the goods.

I understand, but did you…

I'm gonna stop the show just for a second.

Did you hear what he said about yelling out during the show and shit?

- Yeah, I did. -Okay, and then…

Okay. Okay. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

He's like, "No, I heard the rules, and fuck them."

I don't want you yelling out. That made the show worse just now.

You feel it. I know. And you apologize? Nothing's gonna happen to you now.

At least when I'm not looking. They might kill you.

- -

I want you to know, I have jokes to get through. I'm gonna get to know you.

Never you ever again, but, like, for the rest of you guys.

You could die tomorrow. I wouldn't care.

- -But the rest of you guys,

I'm so happy you're here.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage,

Jeff Arcuri!

What's up, Phoenix?

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

This is so sick. Dude, I love this so much.

I love this… this vibe. I get to… You're so close, all of you.

Hi. Hi.

Oh my God.

Hey, what's up? No, just him.

-This is so… -

This is so cool, dude. I love looking around.

My favorite thing in the world is… I noticed you right away

'cause your energy is immaculate, brother. I love that so much.

My second favorite thing is I love coming out

and noticing somebody excited, and then I see the person they brought.

- -That's… my favorite thing in the world.

-You, specifically. I… Dude. -

Every time I come out, no offense, brother,

I see a woman that's like, "Yeah!",

and then I see a husband that's like, "This is the fucking guy? This?"

This is the reason you giggle in bed at 2 a.m.? This little bitch.

Yeah, I make her laugh.

- - I'm joking.

I'm not a threat to you at all. I'm very effeminate.

I'm not a threat, okay?

I'll make her laugh, and then you finish the job.

- -

Nice to meet you, man. What's your name?

- Dave. -Dave? Nice to meet you, Dave.

Thanks for coming out, man. This is really great.

I love that I can see you guys. I can look around.

Thanks for coming, tall guy. I appreciate it.

Were you kind of brought by your wife tonight?

Yeah, dude. I fucking knew it.

I always notice it, 'cause he's like, "Wow, you guys really like this guy, huh?"

- - Hell yeah, dude.

-What's your name? -Ryan.

Nice to meet you, Ryan. You guys are married or just together or what?

- Engaged. -Engaged?

-Oh, amazing. Hell yeah, dude. - Whoo!

That's so exciting. That's great, dude.

And where'd you do it? Where'd you propose?

-Hawaii. -Hawaii. I did, too. You do you.

-What happened to you? Where'd you do it? -

-We were in Kauai. We did it on the beach. -Kauai on the beach?

You're not gonna believe this? Me, too.

- -Which beach?

-Uh, Hanalei Bay. - Hanalei Bay.

I did, uh… We did Secret Beach.

-It was better. Uh… -

I'm joking. I'm joking. That's… That's amazing.

Dude, were you… Oh my God. How old are you, buddy?

- 27. -27. Nice, man. Congrats to you both.

That's so cool. Were you nervous to propose, man?

-No. -No? What the fuck?

- -

I don't even think you got on one knee. You were probably like, "Catch."

- -

"Was I nervous? No, she knows what she's got."

I do kind of like that.

I like talking here, and then reveal over here.

- -

I'm gonna try that with my punchlines, like "How do you make a tissue dance?"

-Put a little boogie in it. -

I'm not gay, by the way. I read the comments.

- Whoo! -Shut up.

I'm not. I'm not gay. A lot of people think I'm gay.

Uh, a lot of people think I'm gay. Mostly my dad.

He… He was at my wedding, and I could see that he felt it.

He… He didn't say anything, but when I said "I do,"

he had a look in his eyes, like, "Do ya?"

-Like, it was… He's always been that way. -

My dad's always asked me if I'm gay.

Since I was like ten years old, he's like, "You're not gay, are you?"

I'm like, "I'm not, but I don't think that's how you ask."

- -But I still need his validation.

Any other guys have a dad like that, where they're like… Oh you, right here.

Hell yeah, dude. Your dad thinks you're gay?

- All the time. -All the time? All the time.

That's an interesting… All the time?

Just like midnight, he's like, "Bro, you're gay.

- -

He calls you, he's like, "You're probably gay, right?"

Whoa, and this is your wife.

Still doesn't prove it to them.

Doesn't it suck? You seek their validation constantly.

-What's your name, man? -Dakota.

Stop. Stop.

How dare he name you like that?

- -

Your dad bullies you? "Nice name, gay boy."

You're like, "What the fuck?"

No, that's cool, man. That's…

But I love it. You seem like a confident guy.

You got a wife now and everything, right? Where'd you propose?

-Where did you… Can I ask you? -Oh, it was, uh, at my own house.

- At your house? -Yes.

That's awesome. That's personal. That's great.

Some lady booed. She can go straight to hell.

Women don't realize how nerve-wracking it is to propose.

Were you nervous?

-I was. - So nervous, right?

Even though you know the answer, right? By the way, if you don't, don't.

Ask, double check.

I was so nervous to propose. I don't know why.

She picked out the ring and told me to do it.

It'd be fucked up if I got on one knee, and she's like, "Psych! Ew."

I was so nervous to propose. I didn't say, "Will you marry me?"

The first thing I said when I got on one knee was,

"Feel free to say no." That's how I started.

Just in case, I'd be like, "It was a goof, you idiot."

"It was just goofing, dude."

But that's so cool. Yeah, my dad thinks I'm gay.

A lot of people think I'm gay, but the thing is Like,

I don't wanna give in to that. I don't wanna be, like, defensive.

Where are my gay people? Make some noise.

They put them all over here.

- -

This side's all baseball hats and button-up shirts.

And this side's gay as hell. Hell yeah, dude.

Nice. You guys… You guys are together right here?

I love that so much. Where'd you two meet?

- Tinder. -Tinder?

Oh, yeah.

It's for you guys too.

You found love in Tinder.

That's fantastic. How long have you been together?

-Um, six years. - That's great.

-Congrats to you guys. That's awesome. -

I love that.

And that's the thing. That's why I don't like to get defensive

when these fragile dudes are like, "You gay?"

I don't wanna be like, "No, you're gay," as if it's an insult.

I don't, so instead, I just try and make them feel

as uncomfortable as they're trying to make me feel.

It works, dude. I did this to a guy. A guy came up to me after a show.

I was wearing a Bette Midler shirt. He comes up to me, and he…

I'm sorry, are you part of the problem over here?

-She's an icon. Go fuck yourself. -

It's a cool Bette Midler shirt.

He comes up to me. I wanted to make him uncomfortable.

He comes up to me, he tugs the shirt and goes,

"Nice shirt, man. Didn't know you were gay."

And I'm like, "I'm not gay, dude. Pull out your dick. I'll suck it and hate it."

Ha. And he was like, "Wait, what?"

That's when I went, "Om nom nom nom nom nom."

Dude, he backed off, which is… That's when you win, by the way.

If they back up, you win.

Oh, but if they don't back up, you have to do it.

Rules are rules.

I did that in a bathroom in New York. There was a… a…

No, not the dick part. The first part.

There's a club I work, the Comedy Cellar in New York,

and I went into the bathroom after my set, and in the showroom is the bathroom.

I walk in there, there's a guy peeing at one of the urinals like this.

I walk in, he looks at me, nods at me, continues to pee.

I get in the urinal next to him. He looks at me again, up and downs me,

and then decides to pivot,

and hide his penis from me. I'm like, "All right, he recognizes me."

He's messing with me. I'm gonna mess with him.

So as he's peeing, facing this way, I'm peeing facing forward.

I decide to also pivot.

And then I lean over his shoulder and say, "Let me see it," like that.

As a guy, that's a fun bit.

That's a fun… That's how we are.

Guy to guy, like, "Let me see that dick," you know?

It's fun.

But he didn't recognize me, so it was not funny at all.

That… that was a stranger.

I think it's just men's rooms in general I hate.

We don't get the privacy you ladies get. We got to pee next to each other,

facing the wall, and they put a barrier up,

but just enough so that we can still make eye contact if we need to.

Sometimes we don't even have the stall doors for the bathrooms.

Have you seen this, fellas, where there's no stall door for the toilet?

They're building bathrooms, like, "You can poop in here, but

you're gonna meet somebody."