Hacks

Hey!

Learn how to drive, you jabroni!

I'll sue you to the bottom of the fucking Hudson!

It's so great to be back in New York.

- Yeah. - Rats!

- Rat! - Oh, where?

Ooh! Ooh!

We come bearing gifts.

- Oh. Wow. - Hi.

- I see that. - Hi, pretty.

Oh, look at that... Look at that view.

That's gorgeous.

You know I can't accept bribes.

- Bribes? I don't see bribes. - Bribes?

Oh, no, this...

- I just have low blood sugar. - It's like a hostess

I wanted to grab some fruit. No, I went to a bodega.

Uh...

Well, I... I heard that you were understandably

less than pleased that I announced

I was doing a show at your esteemed venue

before I had actually booked it.

And I just wanted to come in person and apologize

and say I cannot wait to work together.

You're right. I was very pissed off.

Because that is not how things work around here.

No. I... I'm sorry.

And if you had come to me,

I would have told you that

I don't think you're right for MSG.

I think you're right for Radio City.

I think you're right for Webster Hall.

Ha! I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall.

Oh, OK.

I can tell you're a whole deal.

She is, but we do feel very strongly that the Garden

is the best venue for someone of Deborah's stature.

Mm-kay.

The talk show was great,

but you don't have the comps.

You haven't toured in years.

You barely have any social media presence.

It's just... It's too much of a gamble.

I will sell out.

And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?

I mean, we will front the rental costs.

You'll be off the hook.

It's not just about the money.

If you are playing MSG,

you are the center of cultural conversation.

I mean, our venue is a major part

of New York City's history.

We can't just let anyone perform here.

I'm sorry... isn't there a live

true crime podcast playing tonight?

"Murder My Stupid Ass Please"

has over 90 million monthly listeners.

It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.

They swayed the presidential election.

You know, I think you might be underestimating

Deborah's fans, because they are rabid.

They abducted me once.

I got free, but I didn't call the cops,

because they are so sweet.

My point is, they're enthusiastic,

and these tickets are gonna sell.

I just don't see it.

This won't be just a stand-up show.

This will be historic.

I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me

and speaking truth to power.

This is bigger than just me.

I'm sorry, Deborah.

I am so sorry.

I... I should not have wasted your time

with this petty gifting business.

How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway class A stock sound?

Thank you so much for coming by.

Absolutely. Thanks. Thank you.

We'll leave these with your assistant.

Thanks for your time.

Have a nice day, I guess.

That MSG booker is dumb.

And her leather jacket was stupid.

No, it was full-grain leather

in a sophisticated cut.

Fine, she's rich, cool,

and ruining our lives.

Look, we just need to reignite the base.

The Little Debbies would help me with anything.

Do you remember '93?

They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated

as the spokesperson for SnackWell's?

Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website

the day your cashmere dusters dropped?

Yeah, exactly.

What about that autograph convention

in Vegas you passed on?

The Little Debbies will love that.

You are a genius! All right.

We get my biggest fans together in one place,

I shower them with love and affection,

and then we ask them to organize

a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden.

- When is it? - Three weeks, the 21st.

That... that's Ava's birthday.

- It's fine. - Are there any other options?

- No. - No, no, no, I...

Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.

I really don't.

You have to at least take the day off.

And hang out with who?

I only have one friend, remember?

What are you talking about?

You remember the last night in Singapore?

You said it was weird you were my only friend?

You probably don't remember. You were pretty drunk, girl.

It's fine. Don't worry.

I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts

by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.

Seriously, you should do it.

So should I book it, or...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Here, Jimmy, get the shot.

- Perfect. - Wha...

That's what we've been waiting for?

Yeah, for content.

- God! - You need to chill.

Uh, she wanted content.

Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.

So we've talked to the organizers,

slipped them a hundo, and guess what.

They moved Heather Locklear

to the other side of the building.

Good.

She stole my exact shade of blonde in '98.

And look, I know you want to be out by 3:00,

so I'm gonna talk to Billy Baldwin and see

if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.

Perfect, yeah, I don't want to be here too late.

OK. I'm gonna head to the table.

All right. See you over there.

And you.

Happy birthday, birthday girl.

Thank you. Oh!

- Tickling you. - Oh, thanks.

I know we normally get you a gift,

but we are a little low on funds this year.

- I'm sorry about that. - Don't even worry about it.

Oh, my God, I finished

your "Mall Girl" script last night.

- Ava, it is so good. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh! - Yeah, I laughed, I cried.

It's like, it's emotional and cinematic.

It's really special, and I can't wait to send it around.

Oh, my God. Amazing. Thank you.

I'm proud of you.

- Oh. - Coffee, birthday girl?

Wow. This is a really fancy tray.

Had it custom-made... Heaters built in,

USB charging, patent pending.

You're a really good assistant.

You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad.

It's about power.

Nice watch.

Oh, honey, I would love to sign this,

but I can't legally.

I love you guys.

Mwah!

There they are.

They're probably foaming at the mouth.

Hey, my Little Debbies!

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, wow!

The DV Industries Swiss Army knife.

It's got it all. It's got the tweezers.

It's got the brow spoolie.

I mean, come on, who could ask for more than that?

Very rare item.

Actually, it's widely available on the internet...

Which you'd know if you were still active

on the DV message boards.

Um, how would you... How would you like me to...

Just your name, please.

OK.

It's great to see you.

Hey. How's it going?

Oddly icy.

Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blow job

on the boat in season three,

so I'm feeling starstruck and amazing.

One autograph.

Hi, there. Hi.

- Hi. - Oh, hey.

Sorry, I think the line starts back there.

Oh, no. I'm actually here for you.

I am a huge fan.

Of... of me?

Yeah.