Dodger

Ladies and gents, it is time for the rat-bait!

Come on! You've all been waiting for this, haven't you?

In one corner, we have Bullseye! BULLSEYE BARKS

In the other, we got the dirtiest, nastiest rats in all o' London town!

Ah, this is more like it. Spit and sawdust.

Come on, Bullseye. Come on.

BELL RINGS

I've got money on him, Bill.

Well, so 'ave I!

A pint of your finest, please.

There you go.

Oi, Pol, watch the bar for me, would you? I'm too busy rattin'.

What's in it for me? A thick ear if you don't get a move on!

I've got a thirsty customer!

Come on, move it.

Had a rough day? Every day is a rough day where I work.

I had to get out, see some life.

Come on, Bullseye! Eat him! Gnash him!

The people I work for are about as much fun as a punch in the guts.

SHE CHUCKLES

To think you can have all that money and still not be happy.

No amount of cash could bring a missing boy back.

Scotch egg? It's on the 'ouse.

Ah. SHE CHUCKLES

CHEERING

Kill the rat! Bite it!

Mrs Greenwood, the Lady of the House,

she turned her back for one second and he was gone.

Brosie?

He just vanished? Well, that's the stuff of nightmares, innit?

Ambrose, where are you?

Six years it's been now.

She ain't left her bed nor laughed since.

They ain't got any other nippers other than little Brosie.

That was her pet name for him.

SHE SIGHS

Gone forever.

And all that inheritance

just sitting there...

..untouched.

Another Scotch egg?

You told me he could fight! I thought he could.

My nan could fight better than that!

I'm going to gnash these dirty hamsters myself. Show him!

CHEERING Come on!

Argh!

Ooh!

Got me on the peaches! Got me on the peaches! The peaches!

So, the Greenwoods are one of the richest families in London.

Mr Greenwood's Lord Chief Justice, whatever that means.

Every year, they'd put a notice in the paper.

They'd give £5 to whoever finds the boy.

Read all about it! Police raise reward for boy.

We could find that boy and get the reward money.

Looking for a lost kid in London?

That's too much manpower.

Cuckoo.

He's finally lost it. What's a cuckoo?

You're a country girl. Tell him what a cuckoo is.

A cuckoo tricks other birds to raise its chicks. Exactly.

Once the impostor chick has hatched, it takes over the nest

and eats all the other tits and finches, right?

For the benefit of the people round the table that might not understand

what you're talking about, and I don't mean me, what do you mean?

Use your noggin, Bill. Dodger could be the cuckoo.

He turns up at the house, gives it all the long lost boy act,

they take him in, when they're asleep,

he locks them in their bedrooms and then he opens the door for you lot

and you ransack the gaff. Oh!

Would it not be easier to just ask for the reward money?

No, no, they'll ask too many questions. Yeah.

Hang on, hang on. Don't you think it seems a bit cruel?

LAUGHTER

Cruel?! Yeah, you know, to the parents.

Dodger, sometimes you have to do bad things to make good things happen.

Yes. What if I don't even look like him?

It's been six years. Faces change.

I used to be really ugly.

What does he say about this boy?

Master Greenwood has green eyes, blonde hair and a birthmark

that looks like Malta on his right cheek.

He don't have any of those so what are we going to do about that?

Don't worry, you can leave that with me.

Right, I nicked this ink from the tattoo parlour.

I don't want a real tattoo!

It ain't real. It's only going to last a night.

Don't touch your face and, whatever you do, don't wash.

I hope you know what you're doing. HE SIGHS

I've had enough real ones done to know what I'm on about.

I had this one done when my mum died, this one done

when my dad died, this one when my big brother died,

this one done when my little brother died,

this one when my big sister died,

this one when my little sister died, this one when my baby brother died

and these two when the twins died.

I hope you don't have any more relatives

because you're going to run out of space.

I'm the only one left. I couldn't afford a tombstone, could I,

so here I am - a walking memorial.

Anyway, let's get on with it, shall we?

That'll do.

Right, that's his tat done. What are we going to do about his Barnet?

I had a whip round from the sailors.

It's what I use on my lovely blonde hair.

Add a dash of lemon, sprinkle of sunshine, job's done.

And don't it look lovely?

Oh, yeah. It's beautiful, that.

Yeah.

Dip your head in that for a few hours and you're laughing.

Here you go.

What do you mean, whip round from the sailors?

Use your imagination.

But don't gulp.

SHE CHUCKLES

What's she been doing with that boy's 'ead?

LAUGHTER

Looking good, my son. Ha-ha!

Come on, Bill, let's have it.

Now, listen, cos this is important.

From now on, Dodger ain't called Dodger no more.

He's called Brosie, yeah?

Get that through your skulls. Brosie!

Ain't that right, Dodger? Brosie.

Who?

You get the keys from the housekeeper

and lock them all in their bedrooms.

Then, dead on ten,

open the back door and let us in to raid the gaff.

We'll be waiting.

Remember, if they ask too many questions

and you ain't got an answer, do one simple thing.

Just faint.

What do you want?

I...am Ambrose Greenwood.

I was stolen by pirates...

..and now I am home.

GLASS SMASHES

Mr Greenwood!

Mr Greenwood!

Come on, don't be shy. Tell the Master what you told me.

I am Ambrose Greenwood.

I was snatched by pirates and taken to the coast of Spain.

Thank you, Mrs McCurdy. That'll be all.

You were captured by pirates, were you? Yes.

Terrible rotters, they were.

They stole gold by the shipload

and slit a man's throat, just like that.

One of them even had badger breath.

Where in Spain were you? I know the country well.

He estado alli muchas veces.

I've been there many times.

Er...er...

Cadiz?

Valencia? Barcelona?

Bilbao? DODGER WHIMPERS

I was blindfolded.

You were blindfolded?

They didn't want me to know where I was being taken, see, innit...

That's what pirates do. Don't play me for a fool, boy.

I run the law in this land. Lie to me and you'll regret it!

I'll give you sixpence and you can be on your way.

I don't want your money.

All I want you to do is tell Mama...

..that Brosie was here.

What did you call yourself?

Why, Brosie, of course.

Mama's special name for me.

You wouldn't think I'd forget about that, would you?

DODGER SOBS

It is you.

I know.

Brosie.

KNOCK ON DOOR

My dearest...

..there's someone here to see you.

No visitors, please, Pugnal.

I'm not strong enough. I need to rest.

Well, I think you'll want to see this visitor.

Brosie?

Hello, Mama.

SHE GASPS

SHE SHRIEKS

DODGER GRUNTS

SHRIEKING CONTINUES

I bet you'll be pleased to see all your lovely things again.

DODGER LAUGHS

My room. Ha!

All my...my things!

Oh... My rocking horse!

Ha-ha!

Ah!

I could get used to this.

Again.

Look at me. I look so la-di-da.

SHE LAUGHS You're funnier than you used to be.

You were a bit boring before, no offence.

Ah, that's better.

You resembled a nasty little pickpocket when you first walked in.

DODGER LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Now, then, I bet you've missed this fine fellow.