Dodger

Let's run through the finale one last time. Show opens tomorrow.

Lord Ruthven is not of this Earth, for he is a vampire.

Open the curtain, the sunlight will destroy him.

Nooooo!

LORD RUTHVEN HISSES

You may destroy me, but I am not the only vampire to walk the Earth.

For I have a son.

CREAKING

A son?

THUNDERCRACK SOUND EFFECT

Yes, a son!

That's George's cue.

A son, you say?

What's the little prat doing? George!

Open the trap door.

That's your cue.

Don't make me come down there.

He better not do this on the night. My manager's coming.

Right, that's it.

George.

George, where are you?

What are you doing down there?

GEORGE WHIMPERS

This is the dress rehearsal. We open on Friday.

Now is not the time to get stage fright!

GEORGE WHIMPERS

George.

George, look at me!

I s...saw it.

Saw what exactly?

The phantom!

HE SCREAMS

Read all about it.

Please raise reward for the Dodger!

Also, poisonous smog sends London coughing.

Right, it's Tang's birthday.

We need to nick her something classy.

You distract him, I'll do the nicking.

Good day, sir. I'd like to buy an instrument, please.

Get out of here, you dirty dish. We don't serve you in here.

Oh, please. How about that one?

That? You can't afford it.

Get out of here, you vermin. Get out of my sight.

Let's go!

Oi! Go! Oi!

Police! They've got my accordion!

ACCORDION CHIMES Stop! Come back!

Go! Go!

WHISTLE PEEPS Come back here! Get out the way!

Minnie, quick!

WHISTLES BLOW

Madam, have you seen a boy with a top hat

and a squeezy piano? A girl, too?

Um, no-one matching that description.

Do you mind if I have a quick look around?

Be my guest.

You look over there. Yeah, yeah.

Read all about it.

Police offer £20 for any information that leads to the capture

of the Dodger.

Happy birthday. Baked you a potato.

Well, go on, then.

WHEEZES, GASPS BREATHLESSLY

I can't do it, I don't have enough puff.

It's the fog. It's all over London. Playing havoc with her breathing.

I'll blow your candles out for you.

What's your birthday wish?

I wish I was better.

Selfish!

Leave it out, she's ill.

Well, she could have wished for something that'd benefit all of us.

Like peace on Earth or beef hotpot.

No! Don't blow the candles out.

We need all the heat we can get. I'm down to me last match.

COUGHING

Oh, that's better.

At least I can breathe now.

What did you bring us here for?

This is the most dangerous tavern in London.

Exactly.

So your wife and my husband won't know anybody in here, will they?

Wench?

Who are you calling wench?

Wait your turn, I got a customer.

Don't you know who I am?

No, but I got a feeling you're about to tell me.

I am Dame Eliza Vestris,

actress and producer.

20 years at the helm of the greatest profession in the world.

Oh. GIGGLES

I don't really like the theatre. It's all pretend, innit?

Give me a good hanging any day.

At least that way, I know the crying's real.

Go that way! I'm going, I'm going.

Behave yourself. All right?

Police!

I'm afraid I'll have to bring my wife to the opening night.

She's been asking and asking.

There won't be an opening night

unless I can find a suitable boy for the play.

I'd pay good money to get one.

We've been through ten wet little boys already.

There are no child actors left,

all of them spooked by this phantom nonsense.

Some of the actors believe in it, you know, darling. Yes.

And they use it as an excuse every time they freeze on stage,

don't get a laugh or a sandbag falls on their heads.

"Oh, no, it's the Phantom."

All I know is I have a full house

and I don't have a child to deliver the final line.

My reputation is at stake here.

I want my autobiography to end with an ovation,

not with a groan.

All right. We've checked the place thoroughly.

Seems like no-one's here.

Oh, good. Oh, good.

But we will be back.

Be warned.

Pigs.

Someone's dropped some figs.

It's safe, they're gone.

You brought the law right under our noses, you rhombus!

We could have been raided.

I'm sorry.

Whatever you nicked better be worth it.

ACCORDION RESONATES

Happy birthday, Tang!

OFF-KEY REEDY NOTES

THUDDING, ACCORDION CHIMES

That is the best present that anybody has ever nicked for me.

What is it?

It's an arm piano.

Oh!

Is that it? Y...yeah.

It's not an arm piano. It's an accordion.

Right? Can you eat an accordion?

Wear an accordion? Wash your hair with an accordion?

No, but... Exactly.

It's useless. Burn it.

It'll keep our stove warm for another happy hour.

After that, it's a long night of darkness and tears.

No, don't do that. It's her birthday.

It ain't her birthday.

I made it up cos I thought she was going to cark it.

What's that?

Oh! I've scrubbed my back with loofahs that could outwit you two.

The boy's too fast.

He's not just a boy,

he's evil and dangerous.

First, he tries to assassinate the Queen.

Then he robs my house, steals my mother.

Now he sends me this.

It's from him.

I was wrong about him all along.

I assumed, you see, he was an illiterate urchin, but he's not.

That's what he wants us to believe.

Yes. He can write.

He's clever, see? And he knows where I live.

How do you know it's not a fake, sir?

There are Wanted posters all over London,

stories about him in the newspapers.

Because nobody knew that he was in my house

apart from us and him.

Explain that.

Oh, no, don't.

Dame Eliza Vestris, eh? I know her pockets well.

She's already sold all the tickets,

but they're missing a boy to act in the play.

They've all been scared off by this phantom thing, you see.

What's that got to do with you?

I could play the part and earn some cash.

You're not an actor, though.

Course he is. You all are.

Actors are just liars that get paid. Dodger's got a good idea.

You could get a regular wage for the gaff

and pay for a doctor for Tang.

I found that in the bloke's bag.

It's got all the words the actors have to say.

I need to learn it so I can play the part.

The Vampyre, a play in two acts written by James Planche,

as performed by Dame Eliza Vestris... Oi.

What?

CHUCKLES How you doing that?

How's she doing that? She can read?

Yeah. Here y'are.

What's that say?

"You owe me the sum of two shillings..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew it was a bad one.

What about this one?

"Fagin, if you don't pay me soon, I will cut off your..."

Oh, all right, all right, we get the idea.

That's why I don't go out much.

Where'd you learn your ABCs? On the farm.

Me master's son had lessons.

I'd borrow his books and peep at them when he were asleep.

So he gets the part - and then what?

Doesn't sound like a great money maker to me.

Oh, that's just stage one of my plan.

There's a lot more.

But, first, I'm going to need some parents.