Babes

Look at you. Look at you!

Gorgeous.

One hundred and fifteen minutes, four trains.

You're so lucky I fucking love you.

I am. But also, walking five blocks

this pregnant? It's equal.

Touché, bitch! Whoo! We're doing it.

Hi. Do you have any tickets available for the 9 a.m.?

Yeah, yeah, they all are. It's Thanksgiving at 9 a.m.

OK, well, we'll take two then,

but you can keep the attitude in the booth.

Um, it's a ritual, man.

We've seen a movie every Thanksgiving for 27 years.

Traditions of this caliber don't come by…

OK, Eden? Can we just get the tickets

so we can sit down? My back hurts.

- You fucked up her back. - You did not fuck up my back.

Baby did that.

So I had a crazy night last night.

I'm drinking a hot toddy.

I clocked this bitch with a hot toddy.

Ew, wait a minute. My seat is wet.

- Ew. What? - Yuck.

- Yuck. - So gross.

Right. So I see she's drinking a hot toddy,

and I'm like, "You're classic."

So we strike up a conversation or whatever.

- It turned out she was… - Ew! This seat is wet, too.

- No? - Yes.

- Gross! - Yuck!

Oh, ew. OK.

Turns out she's a retired nurse and I was like,

"What's the most gruesome death you've ever seen?"

- Oh, that's a good follow-up. - And she's like…

- Fuck, no. - What?

This seat is wet too.

Why does this theater have so many wet-ass seats?

OK. Is it you, maybe? Are you possibly the wet factor?

- None of my seats have been wet. - I mean…

Maybe it could be me, but I'm not due for another two weeks.

- Can you check? - Sure.

Down there? Just to…

- Let's see. - OK.

All right. Nothing.

- Cool. - Nothing. A drop.

Another drop. OK.

All right. Are you pissing, perchance?

I don't think I'm pissing.

You know, in the movies, it's like this whoosh!

But this is just a light pussy drizzle.

Pussy drizzle, OK.

You know what? I'm gonna call Dr. Morris.

- Mmm! - Two. Emergency.

What's your doctor's last name?

Morris.

OK, it's ringing now.

- Dr. Morris! It's Dawn. - OK, trickling is accelerating.

- It's one and a drop. - I need to know if my water broke…

- One and a drop. - …or if it's just droplets.

- It's a… - One and a drop.

- It's a one and a drop. - There's more of a swing to it.

And a one and a drop.

It's a one and a drop, one and a drop

- with more of a swing to it. - It's getting faster.

- It's triplets now. - OK, thank you, I got it.

And d-drop, drop-drop-drop-drop.

Thank you, Bobby McFerrin. Yeah.

OK. Thanks.

So I'm definitely in labor.

Oh, my God. Um, what should we do?

- Should I… Should I hug you? - No, please don't touch me.

He said I've got to go to the hospital.

But when I went in with Tommy, it… it was 25 hours until he was born.

Twenty-five hours of labor.

And I couldn't eat any food. They just gave me ice chips.

OK, what if we bag the movie,

it still counts, our streak lives,

- for a last supper of sorts? - I love that.

Oh, yes.

OK. That's it.

I would say let me know if you need anything else,

but this is literally all the foods we have, so…

Don't go far, though. We might need seconds.

OK, no problem. Oh.

Sorry, it looks like you had a little spill. I'll get that.

That's just some drippage. I'm in labor.

Congratulations to me.

In the movies, it's a monsoon whoosh!

But in real life, it can be trickles.

The water will keep coming.

Don't worry about cleaning it up.

OK. No, I definitely will need to tell my boss that.

Just 'cause it's fluids, and there's people eating.

Who knows what's in the fluid?

What are you, the Gordon Ramsay of my pussy? Get out of here.

Why do you hate women?

- No… - I need more chocolate mousse.

- I will get that. - Thank you.

- OK. - Bye.

I wonder what off-Broadway play he's in.

It's like he's never seen a pregnant person before.

Honestly, you're digging the vibe up here?

Don't you miss that Dominican diner?

Compared to this place? Feels a little Stepford.

I don't know, man.

Astoria misses you.

It's calling you. It's like, "Dawn, Dawn. Where's Dawn?"

Are you good, dude?

I need you to check my shit.

Oh, my God, you're in labor. I forgot!

- OK. Move the panties, please. - Yeah, get in there.

I don't know the medical term for this.

- But… - Yeah?

Your pussy is opened way the fuck up.

How many centimeters would way the fuck up be?

Your vagina looks like it's yawning. Like…

Oh, my God, call an Uber.

I thought I had more time.

Fuck, I'm still hungry.

- OK, take your time. - It just comes in waves.

Hm-hmm, hm-hmm.

Aren't women amazing? Birth? Miracle.

Enjoy your risotto.

- Eden, was that loud? - Mm-mm.

- Are you sure? - Miraculous.

I feel like everyone's looking at me.

No! No, no, no. Everyone's in awe.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Eden, tip him well. - Will do.

- Do you want some water? - Yes, I need a sip of water.

This is amazing. The elegance.

Oh.

I don't need the water. Help me! Help me!

Where's the door? Get the door! Open the door!

And that's New York, baby!

It's all good. This is good.

- Yes! - OK. OK. There you go.

- Ooh! Yes! - All right.

- Thank you so much. Thank you. - This is good!

We're almost there. Almost there.

- Almost there. - Oh, you're so good.

You are doing it. You're almost there.

Fuck, no, this is not good!

- Get me up, get me up. - OK, here we go.

And now we're standing up. Standing up.

Good. OK. You're doing so good, honey.

Standing up is no good, standing up.

Oh, no. It hurts when I stand!

- Let me get on the floor. - You don't want to do that.

- Yes, she does! - Shut up!

OK, just do your thing.

It's so good, what you're doing.

- It's so gross. - OK.

Eyes on your own paper. Scram!

- Take my coat! It is so hot. - OK, we'll take it.

- It's so hot! - Take the coat. All right.

OK, and here we go.

I don't want to give birth in the lobby, Eden!

I don't want this to be my journey.

You never seen a bad bitch crawl?

Just gonna get the elevator here.

Sorry to be in your way.

There we go.

Here we go. You're so good.

You look beautiful.

- Oh, gross, what am I touching? - OK. All right, OK.

Where's the elevator?

Almost here.

OK.

Whoo! Here we go! I need to go to the fourth floor.

Fourth floor, please. Thank you so much.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

She's gonna have your freckles. I am so proud of you.

- Don't touch me! - OK.

- Hold my hand. - You got it.

Great, Dawn, you're doing great.

- You got this! - I'm dynamic!

You're dynamic! Tell her she's dynamic.

- Dynamic! - You are so strong.

Do you smell that? There's a terrible smell happening.

That's a good smell.

We can't possibly be smelling the same thing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I feel like I have to shit.

Great. Follow it. Just keep going. We're almost crowning.

This is what it's all about.

Crowning's one of the most beautiful things

you will ever see.

Push! Come on, push!

- And we're crowning. - That's my daughter's forehead!

Oh, my God, is it that bad? Why does she look like that?

Did I just shit on my baby?

No. It's more like you babied on your shit.

Be right back.

I am shocked by how disgusted you were.

I mean, we literally send pictures of our poopies

to each other to name.

I was shocked as well.

But I missed Tommy's birth

so I was not going to miss this one.

But if you guys have a third, I might have to skip.