Hacks

That is just one of the color palettes

that we're considering right at the moment.

Anyway, this is what I've been thinking.

We start out in pitch blackness

and then suddenly, we hear Verdi's "Requiem."

Damien.

A large sequined coffin is carried out across the stage,

set down gently.

Suddenly, our pallbearers strip off their suits,

revealing they are the Knicks dancers.

All... all short brunettes.

Okay, then I rise from the coffin, into the air,

decked out in a custom Schiaparelli

ball gag and straitjacket.

What do you think? Because I'm gagged.

Wow, wow, wow.

Lots of bells and whistles, huh?

Oh, hi, Amanda.

If it's my safety you're worried about, please don't be.

We're in talks with Pink's aerial team.

Oh, no, no, it's not your safety I'm worried about.

We need an audience. We need butts in seats.

Of course. Of course.

So we need to schedule your press conference

so you can announce your on sale date for your tickets.

Oh, I can't do that.

You busy?

No, no, I'm not allowed to perform

or appear publicly until the day of the show.

Well, no, everybody does something

to announce their on sale date.

Billy Joel drove his boat all the way around Manhattan.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Turns out you can get pulled over in the sea.

Well, don't worry.

Me and my team will come up with something out of the box.

Believe me, we are total... total professionals.

Hi, Amanda. Mm.

I love your necklace.

- It's really cute. - Oh.

Just testing out the gear for my girl here.

Fits like a glove.

Oh, will you unbuckle me?

I gotta pee. And poop.

- Hurry. - Wow.

- Damien. - Yeah.

It's actually kind of an emergency.

Mm. Okay.

Oh, this is so sad.

It's like the time my nanny

moved out of our house for good.

Ruined my high school graduation.

I don't like this either, okay?

I love this office.

But we just can't afford it anymore.

Honestly, boss, I don't think getting rid

of this place is even gonna cut it.

We're so in the red right now,

our bottom line looks like the soles

of one of those Le-boutins.

It's Louboutin, but let me see.

Where are all of our Lassie fees?

Garnished. Restitution for the victims.

Motherfucker.

That dog... I hope it's dead.

I'm sorry, but it cost us a ton of money.

It's bitten many people, including me.

I have a scar.

You know, short shorts are in for men right now,

- and I can't even wear them. - Never mind the shorts.

Look at these expenditures, Jimmy.

5K a month for a pickleball membership... for what?

Bum knees and hip replacements with a bunch of geriatrics?

Not worth the dink!

Kids, if we don't tighten our belts,

I don't think we're gonna survive to Q4.

That's where we're at right now.

Okay. We only joined for face time

with Winnie Landell... I'm gonna cancel that membership.

- Okay? - Thank you. Good.

The least we can do.

You do it...

Put the big flap down first.

Put one big flap down and one big flap up.

Small flap down. Big flap down.

Scoot it... scooch it in.

Yeah, perfect.

The other way.

Yes, yes.

Okay.

Okay, the movers will get the rest of this crap tomorrow.

I guess this is it.

Hi.

Um, I need to cancel my membership.

- Last name is LuSaque. - Okay.

For the Schaefer-LuSaque account?

Yes.

Would you and your wife both like to cancel?

She is not my wife,

and yeah, we both need to cancel.

Uh, well, we'll just need three endorsements

from members in good standing to cancel.

You need me to get an endorsement to cancel?

Yes. And a notarized signature

from you and your wife.

Jimmy!

Oh, my God.

Adele, hi.

Bubbeleh, oh, mwah.

It is so kismet I'm running into you.

I was just thinking about Gene's stand-up.

That bit he did about how every member of Fleetwood Mac

was always dressed for different weather...

So good.

And he always said

if he hadn't been managed by your dad,

he would have been bagging groceries.

Well, it's so nice to hear his voice now

in those Arby's ads.

You hear his voice too?

No... well, yes, in those commercials.

His voice is in those Arby's ads.

- You have to tell them. - Who?

- Wha... - My kids!

You have to tell them

that you hear Gene's voice too,

that I am not crazy,

and that I can live in my own home!

- Oh, Adele, I just... - Laura, honey, honey,

Jimmy LuSaque hears Daddy's voice too.

I-I... oh, hel... hi, Laura?

- Hi. - Mr. LuSaque?

Yeah. C-could you hold on for one second?

I'll be right back. Um,

I might need an endorsement... Yes?

- Big old update for you. - Great.

The passport we have on file expires within six months,

so you'll have to renew that first.

I have to renew my federal passport

before I can cancel a pickleball club membership?

Mm-hmm, and your wife's.

- She's not my wife. Okay? - Jimmy!

I-I'm sorry, I gotta go save someone from a home.

Excuse me.

- Here. Yeah. - Sorry. Thank you.

Hey, Laura, it's Jim... yes.

No. No, no, no, my dad used to represent your dad.

Hi, I'm comedy icon Deborah Vance,

and here's the 411.

This huge corporation tried to cramp my style,

but I said as if.

So now I'm doing a show at Madison Square Garden.

So get your tickets today.

It's gonna be all that and a bag of chips.

And if you don't wanna come, honey, talk to the hand,

'cause the face ain't listening.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

What... what was that? What was that?

All that and a bag of chips? That's not in here.

I made a few changes because some of this dialogue,

I would never say.

Well, I am Deborah Vance, and I would say that.

What I would never say is talk to the hand.

Well, we're different Deborahs.

Excuse me?

I'm '90s Deborah.

You're current-day Deborah.

I wouldn't even know how to begin

to be a contemporary Deborah.

I'd have to get a new breastplate,

rethink my padding tits to taint.

Okay.

I just need you to say these words

so that people will go to my website

and buy tickets to my show.

What the fuck is a website? Clinton's in office.

Lady, what the fuck are you talking about?

You've lost me.

Well, I don't care if I've lost you

because you're supposed to be me!

If I'm not you, then why am I on the Atkins diet?

Okay. All right. We're gonna shoot this again.

Scripted this time.

Someone needs to gather her before I do.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Crusty old cunt.

Oh, that is it. That is it.

- You're gonna hit a woman? - Hey. Hey!

Well, if it's the '90s, it's encouraged!

- No! - Deborah, no!

I do not endorse Deborah-on-Deborah violence.

You are fired!

Fired? I quit!

And last I heard, you're gagged, bitch.

So good luck announcing your show without me.

- Let me go. - Deborah!

Come on.