Hacks

Hold up.

Every day, I wake up.

Wake your ass up.

"The Breakfast Club".

Are y'all finished or y'all done?

Morning, everybody.

It's DJ Envy,

Jess Hilarious, Charlamagne Tha God.

We are "The Breakfast Club."

And we got a special guest in the building, Deborah Vance.

Hey. What's up, y'all?

And please call me Deborah Tha God.

OK, so, Deborah, talk to us.

You had this crazy non compete for how long?

- 18 months. Yeah. - Mm.

Year and a half, I wasn't legally allowed

to perform or speak publicly.

And the one time I did, I went to jail.

- Damn. - Damn.

But that expired at midnight.

And I knew that the first place I wanted to break my silence

was here at "The Breakfast Club"

with my good friend Charlamagne.

Yes, indeed.

Wow, people don't know y'all go way back.

- Yes, we do. - No, it's true.

We actually co-own a racehorse.

Her name's Wheat Thin. Here, I'll show you.

Yeah, she's a sweetheart...

Terrific spirit, beautiful mane.

Yeah, she's work hard, play hard.

- Go, Wheat Thin, OK. - Yeah.

That's where Jess get her hair from.

- Don't do me. - Whoa. Whoa.

But people don't want to hear about Wheat Thin.

They want to hear about your sold-out show next Thursday

at Madison Square Garden.

How does that feel? That's, like, the pinnacle

- for a stand-up comic. - Yeah, it is.

You know, when I quit "Late Night,"

I kind of took a hit publicly.

And I wasn't sure I could sell it out.

But you didn't just sell out.

You sold out in, like, 10 minutes, right?

Yes, I did.

Damn, those tickets moved faster than Wheat Thin.

So you got a week left until the show.

What are you doing to prepare?

Uh, it's kind of rigorous, Envy.

I've got a trainer, a physical therapist,

a choreographer, a vocal coach.

We're just working nonstop to make sure this is the best 9/11

that New York has ever had.

- Huh? - We're so happy to see you.

And I'm glad that you came to stop past us.

My honor. I am a long-time member

- of "The Breakfast Club" Nation. - OK.

Now, are you really listening for us or the music?

Both.

My friend Kiki's turned me on to all the greats.

I've got That Mexican OT on heavy rotation.

OK.

BigXthaPlug, Nine Vicious, 1900Rugrat.

OK.

Hey, can we go out on a little GloRilla?

- Not Big Glo. - Yes, Big Glo.

All right, let's play some Glo.

Let's play "Let Her Cook."

Uh, let her cook, whoo.

Big Glo comin' through fryin' shit.

Let her cook, whoo.

All this sauce, I'm trying shit, hoo.

Let me cook.

The hydraulic lift is bringing me

up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

I'm thinking this'll look way too far upstage.

Can we move this down? Let's say 3 feet.

Let's try that. Remark it. Thank you.

Ah.

Ha, ha, ha, hoo, hoo, hoo.

Hello, Madison Square Garden.

I'm back from the dead.

And just like Jesus,

I love having 12 gay guys over for supper.

This lining has to change.

- I just... - We're changing it.

But it needs to change, like, now,

because I have to rehearse in it.

This is the stuff that's making me nervous.

Thank you, New York.

I'm still Deborah Vance.

Good night.

And then at that point, I am Jesus on the cross.

And here come my three wise men, and...

Ah.

Hello, New York!

What's up, New York?

What's good, New York?

Nice shot.

Come on, get up there. Phew.

That's the way... oh.

Ah.

Hey, good-looking.

You ready to rock the Garden?

Almost.

I'm just having trouble sleeping.

And I don't want to take Ambien this week

'cause I need to stay sharp.

- Sure. - I just really need my rest.

And there's really only one other thing

that helps me sleep deeply.

Deborah Vance, is this a booty call?

Oh, don't be tacky.

Just get in your private jet and get over here.

Wheels up!

So for a generation without economic stability

and so few job prospects, the small things

become the only things that we can control.

And the biggest question becomes,

who is making dinner?

Aw!

Well-told.

She is the best, truth teller.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Well, listen, in any other situation,

I would say, you know, give us a beat to discuss.

But since we already have a deal with you,

I'm just gonna be real.

I don't know why you need to tell this story.

Yeah, I guess because I thought of the idea

and brought it on down to you.

- Sure, sure. - Had to... yeah, that's why.

I just kind of feel like a lot

of writers of your generation could do this show.

Sure, yeah, I guess what makes me feel

best suited to tell this story...

- Uh-huh. - Is that I feel like I can

balance communicating the crushing weight

of this economic system with the hard comedy...

Right.

And sort of the real characters.

Yeah, with her, you're gonna get the funny.

And you know they passed on "Friends" six times

before they made "Friends."

- And then there was "Friends." - Yeah.

And this is better than that, depending on casting.

I hear you.

It just... it doesn't feel personal.

- OK. - Listen, we love you.

We are so excited about you.

But this idea specifically,

it's just not sparking joy for me.

Oh, crap.

Ay.

Not this one.

Do you have anything else?

- Um... - She does.

She's got... you have so many ideas that it's honestly...

She's like Shakespeare on crack, but not on crack

'cause she doesn't have a problem.

But if Shakespeare were a woman,

- which maybe she was... - Maybe.

She is like that... Crazy amount of ideas,

some of them new, some of them old.

Some of them IP, if you want that, and some of them not.

- OK. - So we're gonna regroup.

We're gonna talk about it.

We're gonna figure out what makes sense for you.

- We're gonna bring it back. - Yeah.

And it's gonna be good.

I love this. I love this.

This is sparking joy.

Yay.

I'll bring you something else.

Please do.

Ah, damn it.

Sorry. Sorry.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Sleep well?

I did.

Ay-yi-yi.

- I... - No, it's OK. It's OK.

Hey, Tyler.

How you doing?

Uh-huh.

Sure.

Uh...

Severance package?

- What? - Oh, God.

Put out to pasture by a bunch of dorky computer kids.

I've always hated computers, by the way.

Oh, they've ruined everything.

Deborah, I think this might be ageism.

Yeah, well, welcome to the club.

I mean, you're 40 years behind, but we're happy to have you.

I've given 35 years to the Palmetto.

I helped build that fucking place!

I get it.

It's terrible.