Squinters

Meet the new CEO of K2, Tina Mayer. G'day, Tina.

Oh, g'day to you, cobber.

Your mother, my sister, made me executor of her will

because you two are terrible at making life choices.

Can't believe I'm being lectured to by a failed personal trainer

who's borrowing my car to drive Uber.

You can crash at mine if your parents are driving you nuts.

I could do with the company. Oh, my God!

You know drinking inhibits sperm production?

I have not been drinking. Good cos I'm due to ovulate on Tuesday,

so don't masturbate till then, either.

Testosterone.

Threat, neutralised.

Brett, do you have 911 here?

'A man accused of murdering his neighbour

'appeared in Penrith Magistrate's Court today.

'The 33-year-old...' SWITCHES RADIO OFF

You know, I reckon throwing someone off the balcony

of their high rise apartment block

would be such an easy way to kill someone you didn't like.

There's no eye contact, when you think about it.

It... spoils it.

You like a bit of... intimacy with your homicide, do you?

Yeah, well, imagine how you'd feel, like, knowing, like,

the person murdering you is just, like, phoning it in.

They're just, like, eurgh, like, not even caring.

Oh, OK, 'K, so you're telling me that the biggest problem

with murderers these days

is their lack of work ethic. Yeah. Completely.

Like, if I was murdering, I'd be all eye contact.

I wouldn't even blink, I'd look straight at 'em.

You'd go up to someone and go, "Hey, you're gonna die now,

"but it's all right." Make it a human experience.

Maybe give them a little hug, and then, crick,

just quick so they wouldn't know what's going on.

They'd be like, "Ah!"

Anyway, like, I've thought about this.

I've thought it through,

if the police do come and knock, and they're, "We think you murdered,"

I'd be like, "I did not murder."

They'd catch you in a heartbeat.

Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. You know why?

Cos, ah, this cool cat can actually cheat a lie detector test. Really?

Yeah, mate, I know my way about a bloody polygraph.

Ah, yeah? Yeah, it's easy. You just bloody...

All you do is think the opposite.

Wh-What... Just think the opposite.

To what the question is?

Yeah, well, just say, um, OK, a similar theory to, like,

you know when you're having sex, and you're like,

"Oh, God, I'm gonna climax soon,"

so you think about something very unsexy, like Matchbox cars.

And you're like, "Oh, Matchbox cars. Matchbox cars, Matchbox cars."

And they're like, "You're such a great lover, Lukas,"

I'm like, "Yeah." And you accidentally go, "Matchbox cars."

Anyway, it's the same thing. You're just thinking the opposite thing.

"Did you murder them?"

And you're just thinking in your head, "Nup, spiced rum."

All this murder talk, are you... are you thinking about murdering me,

so you can get all the money from your mother's will?

No! Ah.

God! Good.

# Let's go What you waiting for?

# Your prayers are already answered

# Do you really want it? Ain't got no time to waste

# Let's go, green light

# Step on the gas Don't let no-one pass

# Put some pep in ya steps Follow me this way

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Red light, green light

# Go Do you wanna go, go, go?

# I'ma, I'ma run this show

# Do ya Do ya wanna go?

# Do ya wanna go? Do you wanna go?

Do you wanna go? #

The wanking ban must have worked.

Don't get too excited. All we know is my period is late.

Anne, it's never late.

You can set your watch to it, it even adjusts to daylight saving.

Don't count your chickens.

Can I at least pat 'em? Not yet.

Oh-ho-ho! Fuck.

Actually, there's a piece of paper

in my handbag, can you get it out? Sure.

Frag, fudge, frog, fruit... If we are having kids,

we're gonna be a swear-free household.

I don't wanna pollute their little minds with swearing

and shoot like that. See what I did there?

I did see what you did there, and it's fragging embarrassing.

If I spoke like that, I'd be ridiculed, you... mother chucker.

Who are you calling mother chucker, you dumb slug of a ditch?

Keep going, it's fun. I think it's fragging ridiculous.

Do you, dinkleberg? Don't call me dinkleberg, you snunt!

What? I beg your pardon?

Sorry, babe, I didn't mean to call you a snunt.

I just saw it on the page,

and my mouth moved before my brain could think. Please forgive me?

OK, you're forgiven. Just as long as you're on board?

Yeah, I-I dunno.

I still think we're years off worrying about any of this.

There's evidence to suggest that even in the womb,

babies can hear voices.

Well, I still think it's a crock of spit, but OK.

Thanks, babe. BRAKES SQUEAL, HORN HOOTS

You motherfucking piece of shit! How fucking dare you cut me off!

Starting now.

Yeah, fudge off, ya frog fruit motherchuckin shoot, duck, duckin,

dinkleberg snunt bitch snunt!

No, that was a swear word. Gonna take a while to get used to that.

Debt collectors again? Yeah, they're obsessed with me.

Well, to be fair, you do owe them $20,000.

I don't know how they expect me to get that money.

I put it out to the universe. Just chill out, guys.

I'm sure the universe works hard to cover your debts (!)

Well, the universe actually loves me. Brought us together.

Hey, your spare room is so much better than my actual room,

it's crazy. Being a fugitive is very comfy.

The debt collectors aren't gonna turn up at my house? No, relax.

No-one even knows I'm staying there.

Well, your parents came over last night.

Yeah, well, they helped me move.

Plus I wanted them to meet my new best friend's parents as well.

That went surprisingly good, didn't it?

Oh, my God, it did. Really well.

God, my parents are always complaining

that they never meet any "like-minded Australians."

Yeah, I've always had to hide my parents away

because they're so right wing. Mm.

Exhibit A, my mum's "climate change isn't real" rant.

Yeah, that was kind of full-on. Oh, embarrassing.

This is kind of weird... Hm.

..but, uh, you know when your mum was, like,

talking about how gay people cause earthquakes? Oh, yeah.

Did you notice that I think your dad was having a cheeky crack at my mum?

Oh, my God!

I am so glad you brought that up.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but, wha-at?

It was so embarrassing, right? Oh, God.

My mum was laughing at everything he was saying.

My mum never usually laughs.

She says laughing's like a waste of tax payer dollars.

She must really love 200 Jokes For All Occasions

because that's my dad's only material.

I think she was just truly impressed that he'd learnt all 200 jokes.

"Hey, Romi, ah, why does the winner of the Miss Universe pageant

"always come from planet Earth?"

"Hey, Talia, you know what I always say about cliff hangers..."

Thank you for... welcoming me into your family.

Your mob... What's your problem?

Oh!

I'm, uh, meeting Gary's parents tomorrow.

Bit nervous.

Surely at my age, the whole don't drink when you're pregnant thing

doesn't apply, right? That's just for kids, yeah?

Yeah, it is. That's kind of the point.

RINGING

Oh, that's bullshit!

My Uber rating's dropped below four,

and they're saying I can't be a driver anymore. Geez, Bridget!

What have I done?

Your kids are always mucking up the car.

Well, that's what kids do. They mess, they vomit.

They don't tell you how their day's been.

You have no idea how hard it is to raise two kids on your own.

Yeah, and you have no idea how hard it is not to have kids.

What? Everyone thinks you're a leper with a womb full of vodka,

and you have to go to every bullshit social event.

Just because having "kids" is the only legit excuse for doing nothing.

Oh, poor you (!) While I'm changing nappies,

you're off getting lasers shot up your arse.

Why can't you just be nice to me? I'm having a bad day.

You're blaming me for it. All I did was lend you my car,

so you could drive stinky strangers around.

At least those stinky strangers

don't leave sultanas down the chairs!

How about bringing up your kids with some car manners?

Oh, blow it out your lily white bum hole!

I would, but I can't, it hurts. Shut up!

Argh! Argh!

RINGING

Oh, hello, Amy Thomas?

Oh, yeah, hi.

Yeah, big fan.

How'd you get my number?

Oh, Mark Beretta. Right.

Definitely. No, whatever's said on the treadmill

stays on the treadmill.

Nah, any venting you wanna do about Kochie, my lips are sealed.

I'm sure he is.

You can kind of tell that from watching the show.

Yeah, OK. Yep, no.

Say hi to the cash cow for me.

OK, bye!

No, it was... just a little-known celebrity called Sam Armytage

who wants me to be her personal trainer!

THEY SQUEAL

We have to celebrate. Pub tonight?

Can't. Kids.

PHONE RINGING